Am I right to feel like this?

[Wild Dingo]

Now awhile back I posted about an event that changed my eldest daughters life... an event that has haunted and caused her increadible pain emotionally and to some extent physically as well since it happened...

Now that was back Christmas before last and she has started to move on in her life new boyfriend new home out in the country a new life... but when I saw her last weekend it was still haunting her causing sleepless nights nightmares night sweats fear and terror... so it was and is still with her the events of that night.

So today we got a call from the local detectives who had news for her about the person they had suspected but been unable to convict for it...
They did their DNA matching magic and have found that this creature did in fact do it... but hes dead committed suicide last year and have only just managed to get the info on him... they stated that he had a quite extensive record and no priors for anything of a similar nature the letter that the parents gave to them stated his shame and disgust at what he had put her and the other girls through had driven him to end it

Im sorta wondering here do I have the right to feel this bloody happy? strange kind of empty happiness in that on one hand he cut his own throat and never again can the mongrel cause any other young woman such pain and terror... but a weird sence of emptiness as well that he never has to face what he did either... I really dont feel right about bein happy the bastards dead but then I would have preferred him inside so others in there can deal with him more fittingly

When I spoke to my daughter tonight shes feeling the same... sort of increadibly relieved and yet at the same time an empty disappointment at not being able to point the bastard out in a court and say that was the person who did it...

sorta like a hollow victory eh? Justice in its own way I think in this case its worked out for the best I guess well my daughters relief was almost palpable on the phone so tis good... personally Id still like to cut his gonads out and feed em to the buggar but well death is death I guess... in this instance suicide was a good thing.

Anyways that was all I wanted to say finally that event is over and my daughter her partner and all of us can now have some closure.

[Master Johnson]

The creeps burning in hell as I write this.

[Art Read]

You're right to feel whatever way you DO feel. Her too. (And personaly, I'm glad to hear that HE will no longer be "burdened" by feeling ANYTHING!)

[Tomcat]

Having gone through a court thing that lasted five years, I think you are well out of it. The years that go by hold one in suspended animation to some degree.

Also many people are left feeling the only thing the convict really felt was sadness at being caught. If you can realy believe he killed himself over what he did, which isn't beyond belief necesarily, that's part of it anyway.

[martin schulz]

To feel this way is human I guess, on the other hand it is ethically wrong.

[LeeG]

I'm with Art 100%. That hollowness you speak of shows up in other things. Being right doesn't matter as much as doing the right thing.

[Wild Dingo]

Originally posted by martin schulz:
To feel this way is human I guess, on the other hand it is ethically wrong.Thats what Im struggling with Martin... I mean Ive wanted this mongrel so bad now for so long Ive wanted him dead destroyed whatever but definantly magot tucker... but that was a fathers anger and emotion over what happened to his daughter...

The thought of him spending some time inside where those who can deal with him without any remorse or emotion would cause him intense pain and suffering for what he did was what I was hoping for... death is so final...

Thats what I struggle with... he did what he did not only to our daughter but to a couple of other young women that we have knowledge of... and yet he was someones son someones brother someones loved one did he deserve to die? damned if I can reconsile myself to that...

Did he kill himself out of remorse or guilt over what he did to them as the detectives state was in his letter? who knows but it seems an awfully high price to pay...

Im glad its over Im happy that our daughter doesnt have to go through the long drawn out legal system to "prove" what he did to her and the others to live through it again in his presence... and Im glad he can never do it again to anyone... as I say Im struggling with my thoughts tonight

thanks for your comments

[Keith Wilson]

Dingo, yer a good man. (There's unfortunately no smilie for an encouraging pat on the back.) Your doubts and ambivalence about this are one way it shows. I don't think one can have ethically wrong feelings. What you do with them, OTOH, can be right or wrong, and you are handling this as well as anyone can.

And, at the very least, he won't do that to anybody else.

[imported_Conrad]

"Happy" in a vengeful sort of way? I wouldn't applaud myself for such feelings, but you have the right to.

"Happy" that, in a sense justice has been done, and the world is working to maintain what is right and good? Yes! "Happy," that neither you nor anyone else need worry about additional crimes and hurt from this person? Yes! smile.gif

But I would never want to let my feelings carry me over the fence to join the other side, and in essence become what I initially despised. :(

[John of Phoenix]

He's dead, mate. Gone. Thankfully, not by your hand, though it would be understandable. Don't let his ghost haunt you and yours.

[Larry P.]

Dingo I can't say your right but I can say you are more civilized than I would be. I'd be pissin on that lowlife's grave on a daily basis.

My prayers as always are with you and your family.

[Jack Heinlen]

I don't think it ethically wrong to feel happiness and relief at the death of a man who attacked your daughter. Ethics doesn't have to do with feelings, but rather with action. If you'd offed him in cold blood that would be ethically wrong, but to feel good that he's gone is a natural reaction. You've nothing to feel guilty about.

[Matt J.]

Ethics or no, I'm happy to hear the news. He got off easy, and I'm irritated she couldn't have seen him punished in some way. Hope knowing he may have been tormented about it will ease her own frustrations.

Good news, ethics or not.

[brad9798]

Time is your friend ... you have the right and privilege feel however you want.

Having experienced a similar situation as you, with a family member's attack several years ago by stranger ...

I can honestly say that he will have to answer for himself eventually ...

I try to do the good Christian thing ... often difficult in the beginning, but I am there now.

Life goes on ... time helps heal.

I got to the point where my worry for my family member and hatred for the perp. was destroying me ... what justice is there in letting it destroy me?

He is in control if he haunts you ...

[htom]

How you should feel ... I don't know. It's good news to hear that he won't be doing it to any more young ladies, and that his victims (which include the families and friends of those he directly attacked) can perhaps move a bit further along the journey to recovery. Perhaps your daughter should look into some post-trama stress disorder treatment ( http://www.nimh.nih.gov/healthinformation/ptsdmenu.cfm ).

[Alan D. Hyde]

It's sad, suicide. It's infuriating, a rape. You feel how you feel, naturally enough.

"The mills of the gods grind slowly, but they grind exceeding fine." What went around, came around. You controlled your feelings, and are still with us, a free man. He didn't, and the consequences haunted him, as they should have. These elemental things often sound trite, but they seem so because of the timeless truth in them.

A chapter is closing. Your daughter has suffered, but she can recover, and has a family that can help her, as much as SHE wants. Turn from the past, learn from the past, but face the future together. "A sadder and a wiser man he rose the morrow morn." God bless and keep you all, Shane.

Alan

[High C]

It's one of the best possible outcomes. The man finally did something right and removed himself from a society in which he was unable to live peacefully. He punished himself, and spared you, your daughter, and your community the expense and emotional trauma of dealing with him.

You have every right to be happy about this, and it should help bring a satisfying and complete closure to a painful time in your lives.

[ken mcclure]

Your feelings are your feelings and you have a right to them. Let nobody tell you that your feelings are wrong, or invalidate them in any way.

I'm glad that there is conclusive proof, and that noone need go through the process of trial. I'm glad that the scum won't be harming anyone else.

[km gresham]

Yes, Shane. And I wouldn't waste any time feeling guilty about being happy.

[formerlyknownasprince]

High C said it perfectly.

Your daughter will never have to fear encountering him again - he's gone.

I put one of these pricks in prison about 11 years ago - and by the reaction of the Court staff, it was a pretty rare event to get a conviction. You wouldn't believe what goes on in a jury room.

Our best wishes are with you and your daughter Shane.

Ian

[Tar Devil]

I see nothing ethically wrong in your feelings, Shane, and I share your joy (and you are entitled to feel "joy") that closure has come for your family.

Time to move on, my friend.

Regards,

Phil

[Domesticated_Mr. Know It All]

It's a good thing Mate. smile.gif
Now you don't have to kill the bastard. :D

Just think of all the lawyers you're not going to have to deal with. :D

Time and love will help your daughter(and you all) heal from this ordeal.
Peace----> Kevin in Ohio

[Bruce G]

Ethics- Smethics--- I would have let the SOB bleed out real slow if you wanted me to.

I think you are going through some logical emotions right now, for you know deep down you do not wish harm on any person; however, this 'person' lost that right. When a person begins acting like a rabid animal, he/she needs to be put down like a rabid animal.

Rest assured, your child may not have had the opportunity to see him in court right now, but remember he will have to stand in front of the Big Judge in the sky and answer for his actions.

I am truly sorry for what happened to your family- for it affects everyone--- I,personaly, am glad that the SOB is dead; I'm only sorry he didn't suffer enough BEFORE he died.

[Phil Young]

Hey Shane, I always love a happy ending. If the bugger lived and went to court, you and your daughter would probably be rightly angry and dissilusioned at the pathetic sentence he'd have got. He gets a few years, you've got life. Now he's gone, and your daughter really has a chance at life. She knows he can't do it again to her or anyone, and perhaps importantly that he now has no memory of her. Its gone. That is good. Did he deserve to die? Not really relevant, that was his decision. Is your daughter somehow responsible for his death? Bloody obvious, of course she's not. She and you can take some satisfaction and release from it, but that doesn't make you responsible, so there's no place to feel any guilt. I guess the guy had some problems, maybe he was abused as a child, same old cycle. Feel sorry for him? Not really, he's gone, by his own hand, its just a pity that you and your daughter ever came into his circle of influence. You know all that, you're the counsellor.
Phil

[PeterSibley]

G'day Shane,
I guess he did us all a favour...I'm really glad he's not around, Ive got 3 daughters, but like you said he's some mothers son and Jesus that must hurt. The same thing happened to a friend of my middle daughter...a lovely kid who Ive known for years , same anger...but this bastard is still out there...It happened in Korea and the girls aren't even supposed to complain !!

I know you're happy...you'd have to be but its a strange strange happiness :( especially if the bloke was so sorry for what he had done that he killed himself !At least he won't be doing it again,maybe that was what he was trying to make sure of....even blokes like him aren't monochrome bastards, apparently he had a pretty strong conscience :(

[Garrett Lowell]

Dingo, ethics don't play in this case. It's you and your family. It's cliche, but the old blood and water saying applies all the time, and particularly in this situation. So sleep well, pal. A part of this thing is over.

[Greg H]

Ride it out mate. The fact that you question feeling Happy about it, puts you in the right place. He may have gotten out of this life, but he still has a debt.
Best to you and your daughter.

[Wild Dingo]

thanks fellas your comments are really appreciated

I rang and spoke with Yaz tonight and shes okay about everything... her comment was that "at least I dont have to do like that other girl did and appear in court to prosocute the mongrel get him convicted then watch him walk free on a technicality"... this happened with a fella here just last week a serial rapist and sexual preditor {we dont have the 3 strikes rule here} anyway this mongrel had raped this young girl almost 4 years ago and she went to court and relived it with him sitting there 3 times finally he was convicted and sentenced and she thought she would be able to at least try to move on with her life only to be asked to do it all over again because his lawyers were appealing the Judges instructions to the jury!... that poor girl is on medication is on suicide watch and is an absolute bloody mess... the prosocutor decided that he could not justify and would not be putting her through it all yet another time... so he walked and is free as I type... at least we dont have to go through that!

These bastards have no idea what pain and suffering their short period of whatever they call it causes these girls and their families... bloody lot of em should be bloody shot in the gonads and left to the ants and cockroaches.

Anyways fellas Im content hes done himself in... its over although we know Yaz will continue to get help for her fear and terror for some time but she will come through it now she knows for a fact he is no longer out there and can never do it again... and importantly she has a great support base and a loving caring boyfriend around her. We will be right thanks again

[ 04-30-2004, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: Wild Dingo ]

[J_Boat]

Your daughter, you, and your family will be in my prayers.
Know that there are people rooting for you.
This mess is the perpetrator's doing, not yours!
He is the root cause.
That is where the guilt belongs.

The important thing for you and yours is that you recover.
Get some help if you need it.

I hope and pray that your daughter, you, and others effected
will find a peace and comfort and can now carry on into
happy fulfilling lives.

:(

[PeterSibley]

Shane ,
Yaz is well out of it ! Its a nightmare for women. Some Stats off the box last night, about that Bulldogs case that is/was going over here. 12000 sexual assaults per year in Oz, 1200 get to court, 200 offenders end up behind bars !!!!!!!! :mad: Thats 1.6%!! :mad: Jesus wept, no wonder the girls let it go. The bastard this is about probably would have walked .

[formerlyknownasprince]

I reckon the second best solution has been arrived at. The best solution would have been immediate retribution - anything like lightning, tidal wave, lynching or feeding him to the sharks. Immediate retribution gives the retributor the best chance of avoiding an enforced holiday.

The court process for rape is abysmal.

I was Foreman of the Jury on a rape case. First vote 2 guilty, 9 not guilty, 1 abstained. This guy was as guilty as all Hell.

I would love to see a tape of the legal arguments that we didn't get to see. I also would have liked to have a quiet beer with the (female) prosecutor and ask her why she didn't pursue a couple of lines of questioning that I reckon would have turned five days of Court time into two.

Reasons for not guilty votes included: I'm not sending any man to jail (a woman said that!); he didn't come, so that's not rape in my book (after a half hour of going at it); he's a truck driver and I'm a mechanic and I reckon that truck drivers are OK; once I make my mind up, I never change it.... etc.

I gotta tell you, over half the world's population are morons.

Good Luck Shane & Co.

Edited to add - final day spent moving from 11:1 to unanimous verdict. He went to jail.

[ 04-30-2004, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: igatenby ]

[ahp]

Shane, there is nothing wrong with your feelings. Like one of the other posters here, if it were my daughter, I would arrange for a slow and painful death, then I would piss on the bastard's grave. He took the easy, coward's way out.

The good thing is that your daughter doesn't have to go through the whole thing again in a courtroom, probably for nothing.

[paladin]

Shane...feel anyway you want and it will be alright....I know....25 years ago a sick S.O.B. attacked my 14 year old daughter....unfortunately for him I had driven that day from Maryland to South Carolina to see the Kids...My ex wasn't home. I arrived at grandma's house just as my 11 year old son ran into the yard screaming for Grandma to come to the house and that there was a man inside. Luckily I got there before any really serious damage resulted and the dude ran out the back door into the woods......but not quite fast enough to outrun a bunch of 9mm rounds across his
a**........

[Billy Bones]

Im sorta wondering here do I have the right to feel this bloody happy?When in college, my sister in law was raped and beaten.

The two who did it were captured and convicted. They have threatened her from prison. They repeatedly come up for parole, and thankfully are routinely denied. Still, every few years the horror reawakens.

You're bloody right you should feel happy. Celebrate the closure for the gift that it is.

PS: blessings to you all!

[ 05-01-2004, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Billy Bones ]

[Wild Dingo]

Whew! thanks people... and those who have emailed its REALLY appeaciated... seriously!

Jo was heading up to be with Yaz today but after I rang and spoke with Daniel she decided she would wait awhile and probably head up next weekend to see them... he reckons hes been pretty surprised at Yaz and the way she is taking it... theyve been together for a bit over a year now and hes only known her since after this thing happened and as he said hes never known her so happy and walking straight {she had started walking hunching her shoulders and wearing sloppy daggy clothes to cover her body letting her appearance go a bit so she didnt look as pretty as she is so no one would find her attractive and do that to her again fear blame and all that stuff these girls go through to survive} anyway he reckons shes tossed all the baggy clothes in the bin and is walking around with her head up smiling and laughing {possibly a bit of hysteria? who knows but thats what she was like before all this happened always with a huge grin and a real cheeky laugh gawd how Ive missed that} and he just cant believe the change in her... one happy fella is young Daniel I can tell you!

Speaking with Yaz she definantly sounds freer if thats possible? happier and not as "affected" in her voice as though as Danny says a huge weight is gone from her...

Me? Im goin great guns now and dont mind at all that hes done himself in! good on him! well done!... saves me organizing things for when he went inside keeps me on the outside where I belong... so no worries... its enough that hes dead for Yaz and thats enough for me

Thanks again for the support people.