The Definitive Gronicle Thread

[Dave Fleming]

Gronicle Thread (http://www.woodenboat-ubb.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=006847)

:D :D :D tongue.gif

[Joe ( Cold Spring on Hudson )]

Ya know it is a nautical rite of passage when you can contribute to a Gronicle thread ;) When I first came to this forum I couldn't. Thanks for the years of education. :D

[ 04-01-2005, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: Joe ( Cold Spring on Hudson ) ]

[ssor]

Ever since this morning I have been calling my brothers, who are much older and wiser than I. They have informed me that my Grandfather once had a gronicle that for many generations had been the source of the family wealth. It seems that one night one of my uncles was distracted by the neighbors daughter and forgot to lock that shop and that night a hefalump slipped past the watch dogs a stole our family's only gronicle. After that the family fell on hard times and was forced to sell the ship building business that had been in the family for six generations. Once we had been wealthy and prosperous but now you couldn't pick us out of a crowd.

[Bob Cleek]

Gronicles are properly mounted just aft of the prick post. Old salts used to scratch them upon rolling out of their hammocks each morning. Sadly, this nautical tradition seems to have gone by the boards with the demise of the hammock. Scratching your gronicles after crawling out of a vee berth just isn't the same!

[Paul Denison]

Even the brightest don't know.

Vol. 52, no. 2, 2002

RASRT's Question Clearinghouse

by Jim Pate

First and Second Gronicles

"What is a gronicle?", you might ask. That's what several folks have wanted to know at our library and at other libraries too. Recently I was contacted by Kelly Laney in our Business, Science and Technology Department, and we went through the normal reference interview kinds of questions about context, source of the question, and such. She indicated that our questioner had only the additional bit of information that she "thought it was a nautical term". My first response was that I thought I'd heard the word before and that it was something on a ship that held something else such as the ship's compass. (Of course I was thinking of the word "binnacle".) I did a bit of search engine looking and got very little, but I told Kelly that I would run it through the Stumpers archive. Surprisingly to me, I found that exactly the same question had been asked back in 1996 by Jane Salisbury, Humanities Reference Librarian at Multnomah County Library in Portland, Oregon. There were a few responses listed to Jane's posting so I thought that the answer would be right there in one or more of the responses. Alas, it was not to be. A couple of guesses including a plausible idea from John Dyson of Indiana University that it might be a child's mispronunciation of "chronometer". Since there was no definitive answer given, I labeled my posting to Stumpers "Gronicle Redux" and asked the question again. This time a number of people responded with the best assumptions being that the word "gronicle" is a made-up word perhaps used by experienced seafarers to dupe landlubbers and novices who might not be in on the joke. So, are any of you esteemed readers of this column also of the nautical persuasion and not sworn to secrecy concerning gronicles? Would you be willing to avow publicly that they are nonexistent and fall in the same category as left-handed monkey wrenches, shelf stretchers, three-pronged blivets, and snipe hunting? Or, perhaps we have all simply missed something and there really is such a thing. Inquiring minds, you know?

[ 04-03-2005, 08:35 PM: Message edited by: Paul Denison ]

[Cosmo Lengro]

;)

[Ruaridh]

I bet there's a few gronicles on the "New Buccaneer" !!! :D :D

[Chris Coose]

There is a Trumpy in Key West that is in dire straights, evidently due to her Gronicle mis-alignment.
This mis-alignment can cause as much havock as mounting a compass on the engine cover.
Anyways, Don is looking into the matter and is due in with a report any day now.

[Hughman]

now you've done it, Fleming. Bayboat will post here any minute with his Mongolian counterfeits delivered in the dead of night on virgin camels during a blue moon.

Don't anyone here ever listen?? tongue.gif

[Thad Van Gilder]

Having seen the New Buccaneer, I can attest that the only gronicles to be found around the vessel were in my pocket when I crawled under her, amazed at the collander they call "bottom planking"

-Thad

[JimConlin]

Chris-
is it incorrect alignment, incorrect polarization or electrolysis that causes these problems?

In any case, the gronicle really has to want to be effetive.

[ 09-18-2005, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: JimConlin ]

[John B]

some people are stuck in the past. What was a successfull gronicle design back in 1800 and frozen stiff won't cut it in the modern environment. Its a bit like electrolysis( to use an analogy). In the modern marinas with shore power and ever bigger boats with constantly running air con and dehumidifiers your perfectly good little woody can get fried by the boat next door in no time. Same with gronicles. You have to make sure you're right up to date and that they are big enough to compete with the boat next door or ... well, to put it bluntly, you're toast.

[ 09-18-2005, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: John B ]

[Aramas]

Something that no one seems to have mentioned is the necessity of stowing gronicles in such a way as to avoid chafe. Chafing can cause groniclosis blistering and can be the source of a most unbecoming smell down below.

Removing the source of chafe and slathering the blistered area with bear grease as need dictates seems to provide effective relief, although I have heard that immersing the gronicles in near-boiling salty water is also helpful.

The peculiarly New England tradition of covering gronicles with horse-hair 'gronicle cozies' has fallen into disrepute. It appears that they were quite popular in the 17th century, with the popular puritan broadsheet of the day (New Conservative Times) listing no fewer than 14 entries under 'gronicle cozies' in the Flagellation Devices and Hair Shirts section of the spring 1672 edition. They consisted of a 'one size fits all' horse-hair bag with a drawstring to keep it in place. Premium models came 'pre-loused' so that one's gronicles could sweat, itch and suffer to keep the 'gronicle demons' at bay. Most modern treatise on gronicle care agree that letting them swing free in the breeze is the best method to ensure long term gronicle health.

Failure to maintain one's gronicles can have catastrophic effects on one's future, although evidence suggests that the loss of one's gronicles does not exclude one from political life - indeed, politics may be the only way to redeem one's family fortunes after such a disaster, since a family without gronicles is assured of failure in even the most mundane of endevours. An interesting learned paper published in the July 1893 edition of the members journal of the Phrenologists, Eugenicists, and Social Darwinists Society noted that the single defining characteristic shared by successful politicians was an unusually long and dextrous tongue. Well, that and being white, male and protestant, but that goes without saying.

Rumours persist of a secret society called Geezers Without Gronicles, which seems to be a faction of the Republican Party whose interests include finding a cure for impotence, incontinence, dementia and congenital stupidity, and the never ending quest for world domination.

There is a legend that the Pilgrims actually sailed with a second ship, the captain of which, as a member of the Ancient Order of Geezers Without Gronicles, eshewed the necessity of gronicles for a successful voyage. Needless to say, they became hopelessly lost and the crew were overcome with a baseless fear of everything. Having missed landfall in New England, they eventually ran aground in northern Mexico (now Texas). They were driven mad by their unthinking terror, and embarked on an orgy of mindless slaughter, claiming that the natives were 'heathenists', and that God had told them to take up a shocking and awful crusade for 'Freedom and Oligarchy'. Local legends tell that they at first survived by destroying villages, then forcing the surviving villagers to pay them extortionate sums of gold to rebuild them. It is said that they eventually turned on each other, and that their ghosts are doomed to wander for all eternity, preying upon the weak minded and families who have lost their gronicles, possessing them and driving them to madness with fear, greed and ambition.

Can you imagine a world dominated by Geezers Without Gronicles? Oh wait...

[ 09-18-2005, 11:23 PM: Message edited by: Aramas ]

[Norske3]

"Building/Repair" Gronicles...eh?...does yours?...(anyone posted here)...need it? :D

[ 09-19-2005, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Norske3 ]

[Thad Van Gilder]

Oh, no, my gronicles work quite effectively as they are.

-Thad

[Joe Dupere]

On a related note, the Dow Corning research department has announced a breakthrough in the development of both silicone and high temperature ceramic replacement gronicles.

Their advertising and sales departments are researching the market niche, but are stymied by the results of recent marketing polls. Apparently no one will admit that their gronicles need to be replaced.

The National Organization of Women contend that the polls were flawed in the selection process, and suggest that Dow Corning contact NOW's membership. "We are convinced that our members know initmately what the gronicle replacement market is" says a NOW spokeswoman.

Joe

[Thad Van Gilder]

A friend of mine once showed me a pair of prosthetic dog gronicles that are meant to look the part, but don't function.

-Thad

[Chris31415]

I'm told a set of gronicles went recently on eBay for G$50.

[Bob Cleek]

I'd say the way to go is to soak your gronicles in CPES. They'll last a lot longer that way and the CPES provides some measure of prophilactic protection!

[Bayboat]

I see that the rash of irresponsible, unknowledgable, scurrilous. ignorant, unsacrosanct, untruthful, scandalous and totally outrageous comments on gronicles continues unabated. It's no wonder that newcomers are scratching their heads (to say nothing of their crotches) over the massive misinformation that is being perpetrated by some otherwise fairly knowledgable forumities.
Shame on you. The truth about the origin and availability of gronicles has been out there for all to read and absorb for a long time. Despite this, to obtain a true set of genuine gronicles (port and starboard) is now almost impossible. The internationally recognized suppliers of genuine gronicles (based in Wayout Mongolia) have been shocked and demoralized by all of the misinformation and even sacrilege about the nature of gronicles that this forum has contained. These suppliers now refuse to export any gronicles, which puts immense presssure on the market for used ones.

FYI Hughman: Gronicles indeed are only manufactured using special woods from the rainforest of Wayout Mongolia. A virgin camel is one that could outrun the cameldriver. This has nothing to do with gronicles. Blue moons do not occur in Wayout Mongolia because their calendar system does not allow for them. This also has nothing to do with gronicles.

If we are ever to regain the confidence of the gronicle makers of Wayout Mongolia, we must refrain from references that these people find offensive. Especially the implied identification of gronicles as certain items of the male physiology. This they find particularly offensive. Those who continue to abet this calumny are doing a monstrous disservice to the international boating community.

[glenallen]

At least most of you live in places civilized enough to admit to the existence of gronicles. Out here in the badlands there are plenty of folks who will lynch you if you mention the word, let alone tell them that you ever had one.....or two. They call it heresy because the Bible makes no mention of gronicles.
One old timer told me that gronicles were Satan's name for spurs. I finally convinced him that he was thinking of "rowels", not gronicles, and that Satan had nothing to do with either one. He assured me that Satan had something to do with Everything.
Also, gronicles require a regular soaking in salt water to remain functional, and these folks out here are hundreds of miles from salt water, and they maintain an abiding disbelief in its existence.
I've met men who disbelieve in gronicles, salt water, mountains, and space travel.
Groniclephobia is more common than some people want to believe.

[George Roberts]

How many gronicles does it take to change a lightbulb?

[Ron Joslin]

Before you try to replace your gronicles :eek: you should learn how to inspect and maintain them. To do this - get a small mirror and a bright flashlight, bend over so as to be able to see the back side of your gronicles with the mirror.With the flashlight Illuminate all sides of your gronicles all the way up to the attaching point and back down both sides port and starboard checking for hair line cracks, blisters, and foul oders which would indicate that a salt water washdown followed by fresh air ventilation and a rub down with liberal amounts of cornstarch would be in order. Gronicle replacement should only be considered as a last resort as with proper maintainence your gronicles should last you a life time. :D

[reddog]

I recently made the mistake of asking one of my mates to inspect my gronicles.That got a punch to the head.Ouch!!Next asked one of my female friends which earned me a slap.So,I had to inspect them meself.No sign of chafe or other unusual wear.Good for another 10,000 I would guess.I keep them in the lazerette and it's a tight squeeze so I certainly don't fancy doing that for quite some time.
Cheers;

Earl;)

[Ron Joslin]

Will they let you sell your Gronicles on Ebay?
I was wondering how much I could get for mine.? They are allmost 50 years old and have had a lot of hard use! :p

[dmbotsko]

I've seen them on pick-up trucks in Oklahoma and Texas, but usually the duallies.

[Bayboat]

Well, now you've done it. According to the latest report from Wayout Mongoia, the sole source of genuine gronicles, all manufacture and export of gronicles have been declared illegal. The High Court issued this edict because of the continued misrepresentation of gronicles as pertaining to the male anatomy or other unacceptable references. This is counter to all that is held proper by the Wayout Mongolians. Also, a permanent ban has been set on harvesting the raw material for gronicles from the Government contolled rainforest.

So that's it. You only have yourselves to blame.

As anticipated, Wall Street has been thrown into a tumultuous furor as the price of existing gronicles has shot into the stratosphere. There have already been reports of gronicle piracy at sea, and it won't be long until this scourge invades marinas as well.

All this of course has implications for the previously reported possibility of obtaining gronicle raw material from El Pantanal (the Great Swamp) of Paraguay. Further information about this will have to await the end of the rainy season. In the meantime, holders of genuine gronicles are well advised to tighteh their grip.

[Keith Wilson]

Gronicle etymology: Believed to be derived from Slovenian goro-nichail "Funny-shaped piece of metal on boats, nautical thingamabob". Some experts think the origin can be found in a corruption of the Medieval Spanish Gorro de San Miguel, alternately Gorro de Miguel, Hood of Saint Michael, or Michael's hood, but this seems unlikely. Curiously, the wayout Mongolians have no word of their own for gronicle, the Mongolian word "Grunakl" being borrowed from English. There is no truth to the rumor that the Japanese goronakkuru, 韓国訪, "funny-shaped piece of metal on the boats of the foreign barbarians" has anything to do with it at all.

[Bob Adams]

According to the inhabitants of my marina (frozen snot owners all) the possesion of a huge set of Gronicles is a requirement of any wood boat owner. Not suprisingly, there were hardly a set to be found amongst the plastic boaters.

[Ron Joslin]

Oh no, most asidously not, the Wayout Mongolian gronicle does not meet the Mil Spec. requirement for gronicles issued for use aboard US Navy ships. US Navy regs. strictly prohibit the use of grey import gronicles. Only genuine union made gronicles produced in the USA are to be used aboard Navy ships unless the instllation is in a wooden vessel in which case the Wayout Mogolian gronicles may be considered adiquate to fill the Mil Spec. requirement for wooden vessels. ;)

[P.I. Stazzer-Newt]

It may be more difficult to import replacements now that C.I.T.E.S. is in place.

p.s. You may also want to read this (http://www.woodenboatvb.com/vbulletin/upload/showthread.php?t=7316)

[John B]

I'm with Bayboat. This misdirection into male anatomy is just factoid.Someone prints something and its regarded as truth evermore.
I recently got co-opted onto a restoration guidelines sub committee and I have to tell you guys that one of the biggest dangers facing wooden boats( Boats in the water that is) is cellular breakdown of the timbers due to over anoding and over gronicling a boat. Some people even bond them all together with wires.

You get too much of either or get your bonding wrong and stuff begins to fizz.

[Bayboat]

Hi John B.: The recently translated "Gronicle Manual" has a chapter on the over-gronicleizing of boats. Unfortunately, this manual is no longer available, since it has been interdicted by the Wayout Mongolian Office on Decency in the Use and Advertising of National Products. The single copy to reach the outside world is now in the hands of The Committee*, which will not divulge its contents until public commentary desists from objectionable remarks on the (spurious) relationship between gronicles and the human male anatomy.

* Since notices of the actions and decisions of The Committee have not appeared here for some time, newer forumites should be advised: The Committee, with secret membership, is the Final Adjudicating Body for the Forum (except maybe for Scot in certain cases). Their opinions and decisions transcend all others by the various lower echelons of our hierarchy, such as OWC, OEC, OMW, OGL and others. No-one knows who the Committee Members are except an individual known only as "Cleek," who has been sworn to secrecy. The penalty for violation of this trust is excision of his genuine gronicles of Wayout Mongolian manufacture.

[John B]

I believe the 'committee' has a sub group task force called the 'cabal'.
The cabal asks no questions and just enforces what the committeee tells them to do,thus there is no point getting to the stage where you say something like " it wasn't me". That just won't cut it and quite frankly,is a waste of breath. They'll just roll on over you.
Thats why its important to get your gronicle problems sorted early... you just don't want to be in the situation where the cabal arrives at your door with an enforcement letter.

[outofthenorm]

I just bought a copy of The Gronicle Manual on Abebooks for $19.50. The seller was in Moldavia. (Is that anywhere near Wayout Mongolia?) Of course, the manual is pretty big and quite heavy, so it's gonna cost over $1500 to ship to Canada. I sure hope they let it through the border. My Gronicles need work and I could use some technical info.

[Bayboat]

Hi, Outofthenorm: Beware of spurious and unauthorized copies of the "Gronicle Manual" which are appearing on the market. The only genuine copy known for sure to exist outside Wayout Mongolia is the one now in the hands of The Committee. Adopting various directions in spurious copies could result in very dangerous adjustments of your gronicles. Also, be aware of possible adverse consequences of transporting a spurious copy across an international border. Also, be wary of certain representations by members of The Cabal, a loose organization subsidiary to The Committee. Posts by members of The Cabal are usually trustworthy, but occasionallly one of them goes off the deep end and departs from oversight by The Committee. This causes confusion among gulllible boatowners who trust implicitly the utterances of The Cabal.

Moldavia is at the opposite end of Asia from Wayout Mongolia. Since the "Gronicle Manual" is of recent issue in W.M., the appearance of one in Moldavia obviously labels it as spurious. This is because the normal export of W.M. products, including contraband, is by camel caravan by way of the Kyzyl Kum and Trebizond, a route that normallly takes five to ten months before arriving at transfer points available to the Western World. So a copy of the "Gronicle Manual" appearing in Moldavia must be a fake. We recommend requesting the return of your $19.50. Incidentally, this price should have been a warning. The price of a genuine copy is WM$2,342,643.22. At current exchange rates this is US$12.l5, so you got ripped off.

[outofthenorm]

I hear ya Bayboat, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. It sounded like the real thing, judging from th extract I saw. It was a section titled "3 rules of Gronicle use and care":

1 Always wash your hands before and after handling gronicles.
2 To avoid sieze-up, test them to their practical limits at least once a month
3 If they've been exposed to severe cold, warm them gently before subjecting them to hard usage.

It should get across the border OK. I asked the seller to describe it on the customs form as an advanced copy of a new Margaret Atwood book, and nobody would dare open that.

As far as this so-called Cabal goes - Don't forget, this is Canada. We have the Mounties to protect us, and despite the fact that they spend more time on horseback than afloat, those guys know a thing or two about gronicle terrorists, foreign or domestic.

- Norm

[outofthenorm]

I paid $19.50 CDN, so it's not as bad as it sounds. I had to let the guy make some profit, you know. That part of the world needs all the capitalists it can get. What I hope is that this copy was somehow smuggled out before the export ban took effect. Maybe a few pages at a time by carrier pidgeon? Granted, that would take a lot of pidgeons. But for something as critical to our safety and well-being on the water, the challenge of getting the word out to the Western World would, I think, attract some of the finest criminal minds in the region.

[Bayboat]

Hi, outofthenorm: Well, you've had fair warning. You should be hearing from The Committee. A delegation dressed in black suits and high-peaked headgear will arrive on your doorstep. Be sure of their identification. Ask to see their badges. And be sure you have a clear and unobstructed way to your back door. In the meantime, bone up on regulations concerning extradition. Good luck.

[outofthenorm]

Those guys don't scare me. In fact, if they try anything I'll .... wait, there's someone at the door .... I'll be right back.

[John B]

He hasn't been back for a while has he.

o dear.

[Bayboat]

He certainly had plenty of warning. The gentlemen in black suits and high peaked hats waited patiently at his doorstep. After a while they sent a representative to search the house, but no clues as to the whereabouts of Mr. OOTN were found. The representative reported that the back door was swinging open, and there was a swath of smashed petunias leading to the back fence. After due deliberation it was judged that he had flown the coop, so to speak.
The Committee has engaged the cooperation of the RCMP, requesting that a manhunt be mounted. The regional officer of the RCMP has not yet responded to this request, on grounds that he is not disposed to gather a posse (mounted, of course) to give chase because no identifiable crime had been committeed. He did not consider the row of smashed petunias adequate cause for action. That left The Committee scratching its collective head. They debated requesting extradition, but decided that extradition without an extraditee seemed a bit impractical.
In the meantime, Mr. OOTN seems to have effected his escape. We await word of Mr. OOTN and wish him well.