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BrianCunningham
01-23-2001, 03:11 PM
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here
are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning
quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)

4 "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)

THIS ONE REALLY TAKES THE CAKE...
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let
you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining
and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and
she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of
Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping
executive,FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines
Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing
our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in
one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?)
working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with
her demand that be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told
me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the
entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found
in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month
later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco
Bell Corporation)

Jim H
01-25-2001, 06:39 PM
I've experienced 5, 8 & 10, all at one business, guess I was just lucky! http://media5.hypernet.com/~dick/ubb/rolleyes.gif

Jim

Figment
02-18-2004, 04:32 PM
In a discussion about management's unrealistic "zero mistakes" policy...

Worker Bee: Think about a baseball player for example; the best players in the world only get a hit 30% of the time. They walk up to the plate KNOWING that they're going to fail the other 70% of the time, but they still take their best swing...

"Team Leader" cuts off Worker Bee midsentence: I need to stop you before you go any farther. I... I... I don't respond well to sports analogies.

Worker Bees exchange panicked glances, suddenly struck by the realization that their Team Leader has no concept of "Team".

Otter
02-18-2004, 04:49 PM
I lived in Dilberts office and have at least 10 stories as good as those.

I had to get approval to buy a fax machine because the fax machine we had was broken. I was to get three different price quotes on fax machines. When I asked how i should send them the quotes the response was "Fax it to me."

I found the machine I wanted, found two more expensive machines, and faxed them the quotes on my newly purchased fax machine. The next day I got the approval by fax to buy the fax machine that I had already bought. The boss never asked how I faxed him the quotes from my office.

Another time we had a suppliers catalogue put together by the home office. Everyone pleaded with them to put the catalogue in a computer format (at the time on diskette). This was accomplished after years of work and thousands of dollars spent. When it was completed our requests for the catalogue on diskette were denied by the boss because he was afraid someone would copy it. At the time of my departure 3 years later no one had received the catalogue on diskette or CD-Rom. :rolleyes:

Paul Scheuer
02-18-2004, 07:10 PM
Years ago in Indiana, which was then serviced by General Tel. notorious for their poor service, I received a post card from them saying - - " We are sending this card since we were unable to reach you by phone - ", notifying me of a rate increase.