Living in the North and South, I can post this:

[rbgarr]

THIRTY-SEVEN THINGS THAT NORTHERNERS THINK, BUT WOULD NEVER SAY
By Eric Gillin

1. Okay, "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner."

2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "Don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do there and how they live.

4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother," always trying to outdo its larger sibling.
(Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode Islanders have the REALLY thick accents.)

5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South is some bitter ex-girlfriend whining about a breakup from 100 years ago.

6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We won." Then we move on.

7. It scares us that the South actually feels like it should have won.
If it won then slavery would still be around. Southerners would prefer that, which is truly frightening.

8. We know the South has prettier girls, but ours are more promiscuous.

9. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything else is "near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place, but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.

10. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those states make us queasy. Sort of like when the opening theme to "The Outer Limits" kicks in. Same feeling.

11. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all we care. Don't they both have a Memphis?

12. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land where everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know, honestly. Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.

13. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period.

14. Midwestern is a synonym for "naïve."

15. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where shallow people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people get arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars.

16. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where they feed.

17. And while we're here. Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana and chuck the peel.

18. Southerners, just by the very sound of the accent, are always less intelligent. It's not our fault that they sound like Jolly Ranchers are stuck in their mouths. Fix that, get rid of the Confederate flag and maybe we'll take you seriously in something other than college football.

19. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always panic. Dozens perish. We usually make bets on how many die.

20. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon!

21. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa, Idaho, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas, Utah, Missouri and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't know anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against.

22. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.

23. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.

24. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.

25. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up with more original names at some point?

26. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in “Of Mice and Men”. Big scary difference.

27. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college transfer states.

28. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to go.

29. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Former Governor Jesse Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.

30. The Miss America pageant is rigged so that Massachusetts sends the ugliest girl in the history of the female gender. The last one looked like Ted Danson. Yes, really.

31. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport. Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding? Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional field.

32. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.

33. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby. We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization.

34. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and universally crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose because we show up?

35. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when Pittsburgh was a steel town.

36. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we see it. Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it has on the tight sweater.

37. There's really no reason to see the rest of the country when everyone's always coming here. We'll see them when they show up in Philadelphia, Boston or New York.

[Norman Bernstein]

I wouldn't be too glib about Rhode Islanders. I live in Massachusetts myself, but have kept my boat in Narragansett Bay for the past 20 years. Over the years, I've come to know the specific social culture of Rhode Islanders, and it is as unique as it's accent... and unmistakable by anyone who has spent any time there. A few years back, there was a moderately interesting film called 'Outside Providence' which captured the essence of Rhode Island culture so incredibly accurately... but I'm CERTAIN it went right over the heads of the vast majority of those who saw it!

(note: the mainstrean TV series 'Providence' had not one tiny SHRED of Rhode Island culture in it!)

[Bruce Hooke]

Originally posted by rbgarr:
THIRTY-SEVEN THINGS THAT NORTHERNERS THINK, BUT WOULD NEVER SAY
By Eric Gillin

1. Okay, "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner." Yup, somehow North always seems to mean Northeast.


2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania. See below.


3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "Don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do there and how they live. OBJECTION!!!! Rhode Island is a VERY important state. :D Just look at the ruckus our Republican Senator manages to stir up. Furthermore, we've got more people here than 7 other states, including some really big ones like Montana.


4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother," always trying to outdo its larger sibling.
(Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode Islanders have the REALLY thick accents.) See above.


5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South is some bitter ex-girlfriend whining about a breakup from 100 years ago. Yup, it's pretty much just ancient history to most folks.


6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We won." Then we move on. See above.


7. It scares us that the South actually feels like it should have won.
If it won then slavery would still be around. Southerners would prefer that, which is truly frightening. I ain't touching that one with a 20' pole.


8. We know the South has prettier girls, but ours are more promiscuous. I ain't touching that one with another 20' pole.


9. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything else is "near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place, but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes. See below.


10. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those states make us queasy. Sort of like when the opening theme to "The Outer Limits" kicks in. Same feeling. Another one I ain't touchin'.


11. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all we care. Don't they both have a Memphis? Hmmm....


12. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land where everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know, honestly. Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders. Agreed. Sometimes we wonder if it would not have been better if Texas had just stayed it's own country.


13. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period. Yup, when I moved to Rhode Island I was told that there are three distances here: far, too far and way to far. Note that anything out of state (other than the strip malls in Seekonk) is so far beyond "way to far" that it doesn't even matter. This does seem a bit strange to someone who grew up in the midwest.


14. Midwestern is a synonym for "naïve." OBJECTION!!! Note: I grew up in the Minnesota. :D


15. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where shallow people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people get arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars. I'm gonna avoid this one.


16. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where they feed. :D


17. And while we're here. Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana and chuck the peel. Hmmmm....


18. Southerners, just by the very sound of the accent, are always less intelligent. It's not our fault that they sound like Jolly Ranchers are stuck in their mouths. Fix that, get rid of the Confederate flag and maybe we'll take you seriously in something other than college football. Not going near that one.


19. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always panic. Dozens perish. We usually make bets on how many die. Well, I do feel sorry for the people that get in accidents, but it is rather absurd how little snow it takes to create chaos.


20. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon! I've been too close to tornados to take them at all lightly. On earthquakes, what most people here in Rhode Island don't realize is that there are occassional earthquakes here that can be felt and in very rare cases do light damage.


21. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa, Idaho, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas, Utah, Missouri and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't know anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against. Well, having been to Arkansas, Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota, Kansas, Utah, Missouri (lived there for 3 years) and West Virginia I certainly have a good idea why I'd go to these places, but many folks around here seem not to.


22. Sitcoms in New York City = funny. No comment...I never watch sitcoms....


23. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.See above.


24. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious. Oh man, I love the desert...


25. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up with more original names at some point? Well, having been to many of these places I know the differences, but I agree that a bit more originality in naming would not have hurt.


26. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in “Of Mice and Men”. Big scary difference. Yup, there certainly are differences, but I'm not going anywhere near commenting on the differences.


27. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college transfer states. Alaska, a junior college transfer state! Egads, it's only 487 times the size of Rhode Island.


28. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to go. Well, I like some places well south of DC, but I'd just as soon live someplace that doesn't get that hot.


29. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Former Governor Jesse Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening. OBJECTION!!!!
Well, yeah, Gov. Jesse was pretty weird.


30. The Miss America pageant is rigged so that Massachusetts sends the ugliest girl in the history of the female gender. The last one looked like Ted Danson. Yes, really. Oh hell, I think I watched that show once when I was 14.


31. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport. Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding? Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional field. Best leave the folks from Northern New England out of this...seems to me that the Hos' (horse) Pull and other similar events are pretty important sports at the county fair! And what about the greased pig contests, the sheep dog trials, the sulky racing and the manure pitching contests.


32. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome. Well, when I stop and think about it, which isn't often I must admit, it is a pretty impressive bit of engineering.


33. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby. We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization. I'm a bad one on this. Even up here I get sunburned way to easily. That's why I could never survive in the South.


34. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and universally crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose because we show up? Hmmm....


35. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when Pittsburgh was a steel town. Chicago is a strangely on the border as to whether it is north, east, or west.


36. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we see it. Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it has on the tight sweater. OBJECTION!!!! Well, OK, most people couldn't identify Iowa on the map if it reached out and hit them....


37. There's really no reason to see the rest of the country when everyone's always coming here. We'll see them when they show up in Philadelphia, Boston or New York.Well, I like traveling, but we sure do get a lot of visitors hereabouts from other parts of the country. Of course that's as it should be because everyone here knows that all the important history in this country happened in the Northeast and most of it happened before 1800!

:D :D :D

[John Bell]

Good. How 'bout y'all STAYIN' up there?! :D

That whole peice was a pack of scandalous lies I tell you!

Except for all that about California, that was spot on!

And the stuff about the midwest was right, too, come to think of it...

And the Dakotas: I mean, do they really even exist? Anyone who says they're from the the Dakotas is either insane or a liar, and probably both! North and South Dakota are mythical places. Any sensible person can see it plain as day.

:D

[bamamick]

I actually thought that that was pretty funny.

One time on a driving trip to Maine (I was alone) I kind of nodded off and missed my turn. Instead of crossing the Hudson up near White Plains, I went barreling down the vortex into the heart of darkness: New York City. It's amazing that I didn't pass out from hyperventilating, and I must admit that when I happened upon a sign that said 'I-95 north' that there were tears of joy in my eyes. When I saw the sign welcoming me to Stamford or wherever it was I have to tell you that I felt such relief that I had to pull over and collect myself.

This is a huge country, filled with wonder, and the regionalism, as long as it's not carried too far, is one of the things that make life interesting and full. I love traveling this country and meeting people and seeing how life in their particular place has made them just a little different from what I'm used to.

Mickey Lake

[paladin]

anything north of Annapolis is damn yankee land...

[Domesticated_Mr. Know It All]

Keep driving west til you get to the edge of the rust belt on the North Coast and I'll take you for a drive though the snow belt east of Cleveland. Lake effect snowstorms,white out driving conditions and hills. A right interesting combination. :eek: You Notherner's would feel right at home I'm sure. ;) We got lots of weird bugs (most come down from Canada), good fishin and sailing (a short but intense season usually plagued by tornados and sudden, fast moving, thunderstorms). Some of the best Perch and Walleye fish dinners anywhere. If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and it will change. We got lots of critters and farms and miles and miles of corn. Small old towns and new big cities and some of the best rock and roll in the world. C'mon over anytime but I'd wait until they patch some of the pot-holes left over from last winters freeze and thaw cycle. The orange barrels ought to be gone by September or October and thats the best time for fishin anyway. :D
Lake Erie ought to be warm enough to water ski without a wet suit by then too. tongue.gif

[ 04-18-2005, 08:40 PM: Message edited by: Mr. Know It All ]

[km gresham]

The Mason Dixon line is my boundary. :D And seccession is still not out of the question. ;)

[landlocked sailor]

....and Rhode Island is the only place you can get CLAM CAKES! Rick tongue.gif

[Bruce Hooke]

Originally posted by km gresham:
The Mason Dixon line is my boundary. :D And seccession is still not out of the question. ;) The sad truth is that I'd guess you'd find a lot fewer people up here willing to fight to stop seccession now than there were 140 years ago.

[High C]

...sure makes Yankees sound stupid, even more so than normal...

[Bruce Hooke]

Originally posted by High C:
...sure makes Yankees sound stupid, even more so than normal...Ummm, I think I'll leave it at "no comment" on how your comment reflects on you. Suffice it to say that I do not think it reflects very well on you. There was a time when men from the South took particular pride in being gentlemen, but it seems that times change.

[High C]

Originally posted by Bruce Hooke:
</font><blockquote>quote:</font><hr />Originally posted by High C:
...sure makes Yankees sound stupid, even more so than normal...Ummm, I think I'll leave it at "no comment" on how your comment reflects on you. Suffice it to say that I do not think it reflects very well on you. There was a time when men from the South took particular pride in being gentlemen, but it seems that times change.</font>[/QUOTE]Eat it, Bruce. Suffice it to say that, you didn't get it...

[Chris Coose]

Yep, bunch of hicks in Maine.
Don't come here. Too much ice, black flies and incest.

[High C]

Originally posted by Chris Coose:
Yep, bunch of hicks in Memaine.
Don't come here. Too much ice, black flies and incest.Same problem here in the South, 'cept for the ice, of course. Inbreeding, bugs, heat, hurricanes, abject ignernce. Stay the hell away, lest ye succumb...

http://modernrock.com/uploads/omen63/voodoo_doll.jpg

[Mrleft8]

Originally posted by Chris Coose:
Yep, bunch of hicks in Maine.
Don't come here. Too much ice, black flies and incest.Down there they spell that "incense" Chris.... :D

[PatCox]

Bamamick wins for best reply. Its great to celebrate and enjoy our regional differences. Its wrong to use them as the basis for intolernance and bigotry. I enjoy the south (to visit). But I am somewhat there with H.L. Mencken and the thoughts expressed in "The Sahara of the Bozart." (That was Menckens way of spelling "Beauxs artes."

[bamamick]

Welllll.... actually I was just being polite. I don't like Yankees either. heeheehee.

Mickey Lake

[pipefitter]

Ha! We only turn on the accent when y'all come down to distract your attention from sunscreen. Gotta love the tan lines those knee sox,bermuda shorts and Hawaii shirts make.It's mostly snowboids down here now anyways.Now who's the rednecks? If you can't be one,we'll burn one on ya. smile.gif

[Domesticated_Mr. Know It All]

Warren Zevon was a Northerner.
Hell of a piano player too. ;)

Play It All Night Long.
(Warren Zevon)

Grandpa pissed his pants again
He don't give a damn
Brother Billy has both guns drawn
He ain't been right since Vietnam

"Sweet home Alabama"
Play that dead band's song
Turn those speakers up full blast
Play it all night long

Daddy's doing Sister Sally
Grandma's dying of cancer now
The cattle all have brucellosis
We'll get through somehow

"Sweet home Alabama"
Play that dead band's song
Turn those speakers up full blast
Play it all night long

I'm going down to the Dew Drop Inn
See if I can drink enough
There ain't much to country living
Sweat, piss, jizz and blood

"Sweet home Alabama"
Play that dead band's song
Turn those speakers up full blast
Play it all night long

[Ross M]

"The sad truth is that I'd guess you'd find a lot fewer people up here willing to fight to stop seccession now than there were 140 years ago."

I suspect a month or two without Texas petrochemical supplies will clear this issue up quickly...

Ross

[Ian McColgin]

When I was graduated from theology school, I told my Grandmother Soule my plans. She looked at me in horror, exclaiming, "You'd go west . . .
. . . of the Hudson?!?!"

[Andrew Craig-Bennett]

I'm an Englishman working in merchant shipping.

I know the United States. I've been there. It's like this:

1. New York used to be on the map, at least the part of it from Battery Point as far as the Downtown Athletic Club was. You had to do all your work in the morning, because at lunchtime you had a dry martini.

Then everybody moved to Stamford. It's quicker to get there via Boston, and they work in the afternoons now.

2. Norfolk, Virginia is on the map. Nice place; the people have good manners.

3. New Orleans is on the map. Galveston is a suburb of New Orleans, at the end of a ditch.

4. San Francisco is nice. So is Seattle, but unfortunately we also have to go to Long Beach.

5. The rest, you fly over. It's got a pattern of squares all over it - makes it quite pretty.

[Garrett Lowell]

:D
I go to West Virginia all the time. I'm glad that everybody else is so petrified of the place; it keeps it more pristine that way. (All of that gee-gee-gee laughter and Nascar stuff is just an act to keep the unknowing, well, unknowing). Great white-water rafting, camping, hiking, canoeing, and skiing. Friendliest people anywhere. Not so great for sailing, unfortunately. Oh yes, the bugs are frightfully large.
I'm surprised there was no mention of Utah. I've never been there in the summer. But I've never skied anywhere better, save Whistler in B.C (I'm still cold from that trip). Utah does have that weird Mormon thing going on, though.

[ahp]

The Wall Street Jounal had an artical a few years ago in which they divided the US into cultural regions. I think you can figure out which is which: New England (self explanitory), The Rust Bucket, Dixie, Florida and the Islands, The Bread Basket, MexAmerica, EcoUtopia, The Empty Quarter. New York City is a border town that arranges deals.

[Joe ( Cold Spring on Hudson )]

If it aint in New York it don't exist.

Forgetaboutanyplaceelse

FWIW I like just about anyplace I happen to be. I usually find the cool parts of any given location. North or South :D

[Dan McCosh]

How about living in a city where you are surrounded by Southerners, and everybody's kids have moved to Chicago?