Willin'
01-03-2006, 10:07 AM
Never hurt anyone, and Dave Barry does it best.
"Dave Barry's year of horrors: the lowlights of 2005
By Dave Barry
It was the Year of the Woman. But not in a good way.
Oh, I'm not saying that men did nothing stupid or despicable in 2005. Of course they did! That's why we call them "men."
But women are supposed to be better than men. Women are the backbone of civilization: They keep families together, nurture relationships, uphold basic standards of morality and go to the bathroom without making noise. Women traditionally shun the kinds of pointless, brutal, destructive activities that so often involve men, such as mass murder and fantasy football.
But not this year. Women got crazy this year. Consider some of the more disturbing stories from 2005, and look at the names connected with them: Martha Stewart. Judith Miller. Valerie Plame. Paris Hilton. Greta "All Natalee Holloway, All the Time" Van Susteren. Harriet Miers. Katrina. Rita. Wilma. Michael Jackson.
Of course not all the alarming stories from 2005 involved women. Some of them involved men, and at least one of those men was named "Scooter."
I'll be honest: I don't really know who "Scooter" is, or what he allegedly did. He's involved in one of those Washington, D.C.-style scandals that are very, very important, but way too complicated for regular non-Beltway humans to comprehend.
But whatever Scooter allegedly did, it was bad.
We know this because pretty much all the news this year was bad. Oh, sure, there were some positive developments. Here is a complete list:
In some areas, the price of gasoline, much of the time, remained below $5 a gallon.
Nobody you know caught avian flu. Yet.
The Yankees once again failed to win the World Series.
Cher actually ended her farewell tour.
That was it for the good news. The rest of 2005 was a steady diet of misery, horror and despair, leavened occasionally by deep anxiety. So just for fun, let's take a look back, starting with ...
January
... when President George W. Bush is sworn in for a second term, pledging in his inauguration speech that, over the next four years, he will continue, to the best of his ability, trying to pronounce big words. In a strongly worded rebuttal, the Democratic leadership points out that, when you get right down to it, there is no Democratic leadership.
Bush's nominee to be U.S. attorney general, Alberto Gonzales, undergoes a grueling Senate hearing in which Democrats probe him repeatedly about his views on torture. At one point the Democrats threaten that, if Gonzales does not give them the information they want, they will force him to listen, without ear protection, to a question from Sen. Joe Biden. "No!" screams Gonzales. "Anything but that!"
But the mood is more upbeat in ...
February
... when Bush, seeking to patch up the troubled relationship between the United States and its European allies, embarks on a four-nation tour. When critics note that two of the nations are not actually in Europe, the White House responds that the president was "acting on the best intelligence available at the time."
A study by researchers at the University of Utah proves what many people have long suspected: Everybody talking on a cellphone, except you, is a moron.
Meanwhile, in ...
March
... the economy gets a boost when the jobless rate plummets, as hundreds of thousands of unemployed cable-TV legal experts are hired to comment on the trial of Michael Jackson. Jackson is charged with 10 counts of being a space-alien freakadelic weirdo. Everybody agrees this will be very difficult to prove in California.
A California jury finds that actor Robert Blake did not kill his wife. The jury also rules that John Wilkes Booth had nothing to do with the Lincoln assassination, and that bears do not poop in the woods.
Martha Stewart is released from prison. The next morning, all of the witnesses who testified against Martha wake up and discover, to their utter horror, that their sheets no longer match their pillowcases.
April
President Bush, in a decisive response to sharply rising gasoline prices, delivers a major speech proposing that Americans switch to nuclear-powered cars. In a strongly worded rebuttal, angry Democrats state that, because of a scheduling mix-up, they missed the president's speech, but whatever he said, they totally disagree with it, and if they once voted in favor of it, they did so only because the president lied to them.
The College of Cardinals gathers following the death of beloved Pope John Paul II. As the world waits breathlessly, the cardinals, after two days of secret deliberations, order white smoke to be sent up the Sistine Chapel chimney, signaling that they have made their decision: Robert Blake is definitely guilty.
As April morphs into ...
May
... millions of middle-aged people viewing the final installment of the beloved "Star Wars" series, "Star Wars: Episode MXCVII: Enough Already," are stunned by the surprise ending, when it turns out that Darth Vader is actually Robert Blake.
Speaking of unexpected, in ...
June
... a California jury acquits Michael Jackson on all charges of everything, including any crimes he may or may not commit in the future. "We simply felt that the prosecution did not prove its case," states the jury foreman, Robert Blake. Jackson announces that he no longer feels welcome in the United States and will move to another dimension.
Fox News Person Greta Van Susteren heads for Aruba to report personally on the Natalee Holloway disappearance.
The Supreme Court is in the news in ...
July
... when Justice Sandra Day O'Connor announces her retirement, setting off a heated debate between right-wing groups, who think the president should appoint a conservative to replace her, and left-wing groups, who think the president should drop dead. Eventually Bush nominates a man going by the moniker of "John Roberts," who, in the tradition of recent nominees, refuses to reveal anything about himself and wears a Zorro-style mask to protect his secret identity.
The formation of Hurricane Dennis is followed closely by the formation of Hurricane Emily, arousing suspicions among some staffers at the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) that hurricane season might be going on. It is agreed that somebody probably should look into this and write a report no later than Halloween.
The news from London is grim as four terrorist bombs wreak deadly havoc on the city's transit systems, prompting Greta Van Susteren to do a series of urgent personal reports from Aruba on how these attacks could affect the investigation into the Natalee Holloway disappearance. ...
August
... Meanwhile, the Rev. Pat Robertson states that the U.S. should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chαvez. Responding to harsh criticism, the Rev. Robertson retracts this statement several days later with the explanation, "Evidently I am a raving lunatic."
By far the biggest story in August is Hurricane Katrina, a massive, deadly storm that thrashes Florida, then heads into the Gulf of Mexico. For decades, experts have been warning that such a storm, if it were to hit New Orleans, would devastate the city; now it becomes clear that this is exactly what is about to happen. For days, meteorologists are on television warning, dozens of times per hour, that Katrina will, in fact, hit New Orleans with devastating results. Armed with this advance knowledge, government officials at the local, state and federal levels are in a position to be totally, utterly shocked when Katrina of all things devastates New Orleans. For several days chaos reigns, with most of the relief effort taking the form of Geraldo Rivera, who, by his own estimate, saves more than 170,000 people.
FEMA director Michael Brown, after conducting an aerial survey, reports that "the situation is improving," only to be informed that the area he surveyed was actually Phoenix. It is not until ...
September
... that the full magnitude of the New Orleans devastation sinks in, and local, state and federal officials manage to get their act together and begin the difficult, painstaking work of blaming each other.
A new hurricane, Rita, draws a bead on the Gulf Coast, causing millions of panicky Texans to get into their cars and flee an average distance of 150 feet before they become stuck in a monster traffic jam, where some remain for more than 12 hours.
The U.S. House of Representatives takes time out from jacking up the deficit to look into the baffling mystery of whether professional baseball players suddenly develop gigantic muscles because they use steroids, or what.
October
President Bush, needing to make another appointment to the Supreme Court, conducts a thorough investigation of every single woman lawyer within an 8-foot radius of his desk. He concludes that the best person for the job is White House Counsel Harriet Miers, who, in the tradition of such legendary justices as Felix Frankfurter, Louis Brandeis and Oliver Wendell Holmes, is a carbon-based life-form.
Ultimately Miers withdraws her name. The president decides to nominate Samuel Alito. Democrats immediately announce that they strongly oppose Alito and intend to do some research soon to find out why.
In Congress, Tom DeLay's ethical woes worsen as he is indicted on additional charges of hijacking a train.
As fears of a worldwide avian flu epidemic mount, the surgeon general warns Americans against having unprotected sex with birds. Fortunately there is no sign yet of the deadly disease on Aruba, thus allowing the Natalee Holloway investigation to continue unimpeded, according to on-the-scene reporter Greta Van Susteren.
Saddam Hussein goes on trial, facing charges of genocide, human-rights violations, and failure to pay more than $173 billion in parking tickets. In his opening statement, the defiant former dictator tells the court he intends to prove that these crimes were actually committed by Tom DeLay.
November
The debate over Iraq heats up and President Bush makes a series of strong speeches, stating that while he "will not impugn the patriotism" of those who oppose his administration's policies, they are "traitor scum." This outrages Democrats, who respond with a two-pronged strategy of (1) demanding that the troops be brought home, and (2) voting overwhelmingly against a resolution to bring the troops home.
Tom DeLay is indicted for cattle rustling.
Absolutely true November item: Michael "Heckuva Job" Brown, who resigned after being harshly criticized for his performance as FEMA director following Katrina, announces that he is starting a consulting business that will you are going to think I am making this up, but I am not advise clients on preparing for disasters.
And "disaster" is clearly the word for ...
December
... which begins on a troubling economic note, as General Motors, the world's largest automaker, announces that, despite a massive program of rebates, zero-interest financing, employee discounts and dealer incentives, it has not actually sold a car since March 1998. "We're in real trouble," states troubled CEO Rick Wagoner, adding, "Even I drive a Kia."
Republicans and Democrats debate the war in Iraq with increasing bitterness, although both sides agree on the critical importance, with American troops in harm's way, of continuing to jack up the deficit. Tom DeLay flees to California, where a friendly jury agrees to hide him in the barn until things cool off.
Greta Van Susteren is elected prime minister of Aruba.
As the troubled year draws to a troubling close, yet another hurricane, Kappa Sigma Gamma, forms in the South Atlantic, threatening to blast the U.S. mainland.
On an even more ominous note, officials of the World Health Organization reveal that a mad cow has become infected with bird flu.
"We don't want to cause panic," state the officials, "but we give the human race six weeks, tops."
So, OK, we're doomed. But look at the upside: If humanity becomes extinct, there's a chance that Paris Hilton will, too. So put on your party hat, raise your champagne glass, and join with me in this festive toast: Happy New Year!
Or however long it lasts."
"Dave Barry's year of horrors: the lowlights of 2005
By Dave Barry
It was the Year of the Woman. But not in a good way.
Oh, I'm not saying that men did nothing stupid or despicable in 2005. Of course they did! That's why we call them "men."
But women are supposed to be better than men. Women are the backbone of civilization: They keep families together, nurture relationships, uphold basic standards of morality and go to the bathroom without making noise. Women traditionally shun the kinds of pointless, brutal, destructive activities that so often involve men, such as mass murder and fantasy football.
But not this year. Women got crazy this year. Consider some of the more disturbing stories from 2005, and look at the names connected with them: Martha Stewart. Judith Miller. Valerie Plame. Paris Hilton. Greta "All Natalee Holloway, All the Time" Van Susteren. Harriet Miers. Katrina. Rita. Wilma. Michael Jackson.
Of course not all the alarming stories from 2005 involved women. Some of them involved men, and at least one of those men was named "Scooter."
I'll be honest: I don't really know who "Scooter" is, or what he allegedly did. He's involved in one of those Washington, D.C.-style scandals that are very, very important, but way too complicated for regular non-Beltway humans to comprehend.
But whatever Scooter allegedly did, it was bad.
We know this because pretty much all the news this year was bad. Oh, sure, there were some positive developments. Here is a complete list:
In some areas, the price of gasoline, much of the time, remained below $5 a gallon.
Nobody you know caught avian flu. Yet.
The Yankees once again failed to win the World Series.
Cher actually ended her farewell tour.
That was it for the good news. The rest of 2005 was a steady diet of misery, horror and despair, leavened occasionally by deep anxiety. So just for fun, let's take a look back, starting with ...
January
... when President George W. Bush is sworn in for a second term, pledging in his inauguration speech that, over the next four years, he will continue, to the best of his ability, trying to pronounce big words. In a strongly worded rebuttal, the Democratic leadership points out that, when you get right down to it, there is no Democratic leadership.
Bush's nominee to be U.S. attorney general, Alberto Gonzales, undergoes a grueling Senate hearing in which Democrats probe him repeatedly about his views on torture. At one point the Democrats threaten that, if Gonzales does not give them the information they want, they will force him to listen, without ear protection, to a question from Sen. Joe Biden. "No!" screams Gonzales. "Anything but that!"
But the mood is more upbeat in ...
February
... when Bush, seeking to patch up the troubled relationship between the United States and its European allies, embarks on a four-nation tour. When critics note that two of the nations are not actually in Europe, the White House responds that the president was "acting on the best intelligence available at the time."
A study by researchers at the University of Utah proves what many people have long suspected: Everybody talking on a cellphone, except you, is a moron.
Meanwhile, in ...
March
... the economy gets a boost when the jobless rate plummets, as hundreds of thousands of unemployed cable-TV legal experts are hired to comment on the trial of Michael Jackson. Jackson is charged with 10 counts of being a space-alien freakadelic weirdo. Everybody agrees this will be very difficult to prove in California.
A California jury finds that actor Robert Blake did not kill his wife. The jury also rules that John Wilkes Booth had nothing to do with the Lincoln assassination, and that bears do not poop in the woods.
Martha Stewart is released from prison. The next morning, all of the witnesses who testified against Martha wake up and discover, to their utter horror, that their sheets no longer match their pillowcases.
April
President Bush, in a decisive response to sharply rising gasoline prices, delivers a major speech proposing that Americans switch to nuclear-powered cars. In a strongly worded rebuttal, angry Democrats state that, because of a scheduling mix-up, they missed the president's speech, but whatever he said, they totally disagree with it, and if they once voted in favor of it, they did so only because the president lied to them.
The College of Cardinals gathers following the death of beloved Pope John Paul II. As the world waits breathlessly, the cardinals, after two days of secret deliberations, order white smoke to be sent up the Sistine Chapel chimney, signaling that they have made their decision: Robert Blake is definitely guilty.
As April morphs into ...
May
... millions of middle-aged people viewing the final installment of the beloved "Star Wars" series, "Star Wars: Episode MXCVII: Enough Already," are stunned by the surprise ending, when it turns out that Darth Vader is actually Robert Blake.
Speaking of unexpected, in ...
June
... a California jury acquits Michael Jackson on all charges of everything, including any crimes he may or may not commit in the future. "We simply felt that the prosecution did not prove its case," states the jury foreman, Robert Blake. Jackson announces that he no longer feels welcome in the United States and will move to another dimension.
Fox News Person Greta Van Susteren heads for Aruba to report personally on the Natalee Holloway disappearance.
The Supreme Court is in the news in ...
July
... when Justice Sandra Day O'Connor announces her retirement, setting off a heated debate between right-wing groups, who think the president should appoint a conservative to replace her, and left-wing groups, who think the president should drop dead. Eventually Bush nominates a man going by the moniker of "John Roberts," who, in the tradition of recent nominees, refuses to reveal anything about himself and wears a Zorro-style mask to protect his secret identity.
The formation of Hurricane Dennis is followed closely by the formation of Hurricane Emily, arousing suspicions among some staffers at the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) that hurricane season might be going on. It is agreed that somebody probably should look into this and write a report no later than Halloween.
The news from London is grim as four terrorist bombs wreak deadly havoc on the city's transit systems, prompting Greta Van Susteren to do a series of urgent personal reports from Aruba on how these attacks could affect the investigation into the Natalee Holloway disappearance. ...
August
... Meanwhile, the Rev. Pat Robertson states that the U.S. should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chαvez. Responding to harsh criticism, the Rev. Robertson retracts this statement several days later with the explanation, "Evidently I am a raving lunatic."
By far the biggest story in August is Hurricane Katrina, a massive, deadly storm that thrashes Florida, then heads into the Gulf of Mexico. For decades, experts have been warning that such a storm, if it were to hit New Orleans, would devastate the city; now it becomes clear that this is exactly what is about to happen. For days, meteorologists are on television warning, dozens of times per hour, that Katrina will, in fact, hit New Orleans with devastating results. Armed with this advance knowledge, government officials at the local, state and federal levels are in a position to be totally, utterly shocked when Katrina of all things devastates New Orleans. For several days chaos reigns, with most of the relief effort taking the form of Geraldo Rivera, who, by his own estimate, saves more than 170,000 people.
FEMA director Michael Brown, after conducting an aerial survey, reports that "the situation is improving," only to be informed that the area he surveyed was actually Phoenix. It is not until ...
September
... that the full magnitude of the New Orleans devastation sinks in, and local, state and federal officials manage to get their act together and begin the difficult, painstaking work of blaming each other.
A new hurricane, Rita, draws a bead on the Gulf Coast, causing millions of panicky Texans to get into their cars and flee an average distance of 150 feet before they become stuck in a monster traffic jam, where some remain for more than 12 hours.
The U.S. House of Representatives takes time out from jacking up the deficit to look into the baffling mystery of whether professional baseball players suddenly develop gigantic muscles because they use steroids, or what.
October
President Bush, needing to make another appointment to the Supreme Court, conducts a thorough investigation of every single woman lawyer within an 8-foot radius of his desk. He concludes that the best person for the job is White House Counsel Harriet Miers, who, in the tradition of such legendary justices as Felix Frankfurter, Louis Brandeis and Oliver Wendell Holmes, is a carbon-based life-form.
Ultimately Miers withdraws her name. The president decides to nominate Samuel Alito. Democrats immediately announce that they strongly oppose Alito and intend to do some research soon to find out why.
In Congress, Tom DeLay's ethical woes worsen as he is indicted on additional charges of hijacking a train.
As fears of a worldwide avian flu epidemic mount, the surgeon general warns Americans against having unprotected sex with birds. Fortunately there is no sign yet of the deadly disease on Aruba, thus allowing the Natalee Holloway investigation to continue unimpeded, according to on-the-scene reporter Greta Van Susteren.
Saddam Hussein goes on trial, facing charges of genocide, human-rights violations, and failure to pay more than $173 billion in parking tickets. In his opening statement, the defiant former dictator tells the court he intends to prove that these crimes were actually committed by Tom DeLay.
November
The debate over Iraq heats up and President Bush makes a series of strong speeches, stating that while he "will not impugn the patriotism" of those who oppose his administration's policies, they are "traitor scum." This outrages Democrats, who respond with a two-pronged strategy of (1) demanding that the troops be brought home, and (2) voting overwhelmingly against a resolution to bring the troops home.
Tom DeLay is indicted for cattle rustling.
Absolutely true November item: Michael "Heckuva Job" Brown, who resigned after being harshly criticized for his performance as FEMA director following Katrina, announces that he is starting a consulting business that will you are going to think I am making this up, but I am not advise clients on preparing for disasters.
And "disaster" is clearly the word for ...
December
... which begins on a troubling economic note, as General Motors, the world's largest automaker, announces that, despite a massive program of rebates, zero-interest financing, employee discounts and dealer incentives, it has not actually sold a car since March 1998. "We're in real trouble," states troubled CEO Rick Wagoner, adding, "Even I drive a Kia."
Republicans and Democrats debate the war in Iraq with increasing bitterness, although both sides agree on the critical importance, with American troops in harm's way, of continuing to jack up the deficit. Tom DeLay flees to California, where a friendly jury agrees to hide him in the barn until things cool off.
Greta Van Susteren is elected prime minister of Aruba.
As the troubled year draws to a troubling close, yet another hurricane, Kappa Sigma Gamma, forms in the South Atlantic, threatening to blast the U.S. mainland.
On an even more ominous note, officials of the World Health Organization reveal that a mad cow has become infected with bird flu.
"We don't want to cause panic," state the officials, "but we give the human race six weeks, tops."
So, OK, we're doomed. But look at the upside: If humanity becomes extinct, there's a chance that Paris Hilton will, too. So put on your party hat, raise your champagne glass, and join with me in this festive toast: Happy New Year!
Or however long it lasts."