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Rum_Pirate
10-01-2018, 08:04 AM
...
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty seven year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-four in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty seven year old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon..

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again..

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said,
'She's pregnant too.'

CWSmith
10-01-2018, 08:10 AM
One of my favorites along these lines:



Grandpa announced that he was getting married and his bride was just 28.

The family grew concerned. After a time his son approached him and said, "Dad, are you sure this is wise? Marriage to a young woman could be strenuous. The honeymoon alone could be fatal!"

The old man thought and after a time he shrugged and said, "If she dies, she dies!"

Rum_Pirate
10-01-2018, 08:12 AM
:d :d :d

Jim Bow
10-01-2018, 11:40 AM
Tom who had put his dad in a nursing home, decided he wanted to do something special for his lonely dad on his 90th birthday. Tom called an escort service and said, "I want you to give my dad SUPER SEX!" the clerk replied, "I have just the woman." So right after lunch Toms dad was relaxing in his room watching Jeporady, when this beautiful woman walked in his room and said, "I'm here to give you super sex" the old man said, "I'll take the soup."

Rum_Pirate
10-01-2018, 03:39 PM
Tom who had put his dad in a nursing home, decided he wanted to do something special for his lonely dad on his 90th birthday. Tom called an escort service and said, "I want you to give my dad SUPER SEX!" the clerk replied, "I have just the woman." So right after lunch Toms dad was relaxing in his room watching Jeporady, when this beautiful woman walked in his room and said, "I'm here to give you super sex" the old man said, "I'll take the soup."

Moving to Nursing homes:


After the family dropped their sweet grandmother off at her new, fancy nursing home, they were worried she wouldn’t be happy there.

But the following morning she was bathed, fed well, and placed in front of a window that overlooked a beautiful garden.

But after a little while, she started to tip over to her left.

Soon, a nurse rushed over, caught her, and situated her upright.

Later in the day, though she seemed perfectly fine, she started to tip over, this time to the right.

Another nurse noticed and rushed over to set her straight. This back-and-forth went on all day.

The following afternoon, the grandmother’s family came to check on her and see how she liked her home. “So, mom, is everything okay? Do you like it here?” asked her daughter

“Oh, it’s very nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart in peace!”

https://images.boredomfiles.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/05-old-woman-fart-joke.gif

There’s nothing worse than that! Hopefully, the nurses figured out it’s easier just to open a window.

Ian McColgin
10-01-2018, 04:07 PM
So the young bucks were set on teasing the old timer sitting on the hardware store porch.

"Must be plain hell growing old," said one.

"Bet the worst thing is losing your sex drive," said another.

"Nope," the old timer countered. "It's losing your memory."

"Memory? Sure you don't mean the sex drive? Sure you're not confused?"

"Nope, it's memory," said the old timer. "T'other morning I woke up with the urge. You know how it is in the morning. So I was getting started and Margaret snarled at me. 'Stop that, you old coot. You done three times already.' And damned if she didn't have the wet spots to prove it. Yep. Losing your memory is the worst."

[Retold, probably not so well, from "Pissing in the Snow".

Rum_Pirate
10-01-2018, 05:14 PM
"P!ssing in the Snow"

That leads on to :


Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.

He gets furious and turns red.

"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.

"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."

"Oh. That's not so bad."

"Yeah, but it's in her handwriting."