PDA

View Full Version : A bit of grand parenting advise, please



John Smith
10-06-2017, 02:39 PM
My granddaughter and her boyfriend moved into an apartment, and that's fine.

My wife and I have a very good friend who has three day weekends each week.c

I suggested the three of us think of some overnight places we might take some trips to. My wife said, "Let's all go to Disney, and we'll pay for the 'kids'. Of course once that was out there...... Our friend Betty volunteered to split the cost of the 'kids' with us.

I voiced the opinion that we cannot really afford to do this, but I was in a small minority, so planning got started. Dates picked, deposits sent, etc....

Granddaughter's Honda Fit decided this week it needs a catalitic converter. This will cost $1000 give or take. Obviously she needs the car.

I'm torn. Technically, I can do it. Not sure if I should.

thoughts?

My immediate thinking is I'd be more inclined to front this money if they offer to forego Disney.

TomF
10-06-2017, 02:45 PM
IMO, your grandkids would benefit from seeing what responsible budgeting looks like. Offer to help with the car repair if the kids can't do it on their own, and forego Disney to fund it.

(admission of bias: I'd be looking for a lot of reasons to forego Disney, personally :D)

mmd
10-06-2017, 02:49 PM
Yup, I'm in with TomF on this: forego fantasy, deal with reality.

Flying Orca
10-06-2017, 02:49 PM
(admission of bias: I'd be looking for a lot of reasons to forego Disney, personally :D)

Yep. Disney and Vegas: two places I have never once had the urge to visit.

CWSmith
10-06-2017, 02:50 PM
I'm a little surprised that a granddaughter who is old enough to live with her boyfriend has any interest in Disney, but that's just me.

I'd say help to fix the car and forgo Disney. However, I'd put just about everything ahead of The Mouse.

peb
10-06-2017, 02:57 PM
Gotta agree with TomF, anything to get out of Disney. Seriously, adult outpatient welfare is a slippery slope to start down. My parents can attest to this, seemingly relatively small help to grown kids/grandkids turns into big stuff over the years. Years ago there was the book titled: The Millionaire Next Door. It turns out that folks who always receive financial support from their parents/grandparents never do as well financaially as those who do not. I grew up with 5 brothers and sisters. Those who received no help from Mom and Dad after they grew up are the ones now in good financial shape. Those who did, are not. The exception is my youngest sister, but she always promptly paid back every cent my dad loaned her.

SKIP KILPATRICK
10-06-2017, 03:02 PM
All very sound advise! They wrote.....I concur!

Glen Longino
10-06-2017, 03:08 PM
:)Tom got it in 1!!!
I'd pay 2 thousand Not to go to Disney!:)

Garret
10-06-2017, 03:15 PM
I've had lots of fun @ Disney - but that's me.

I'm not understanding fully. The kids are paying to go to Disney, but need help on a car repair? If so, definitely the car repair comes ahead of a trip to Disney.

Rum_Pirate
10-06-2017, 03:18 PM
IMO, your grandkids would benefit from seeing what responsible budgeting looks like. Offer to help with the car repair if the kids can't do it on their own, and forego Disney to fund it.

(admission of bias: I'd be looking for a lot of reasons to forego Disney, personally :D)

I agree.

Plus if funds are really tight would it be possible to obtain a second hand converter from a salvage/scrap yard?

David G
10-06-2017, 03:20 PM
I loved Disneyland when I went at age 14. My kids were never interested.

I agree with Tom about the diversion of funds to address the new reality.

Say... just WHEN did those Canahoodians start coming up with good ideas???? <G>

TomF
10-06-2017, 03:23 PM
I loved Disneyland when I went at age 14. My kids were never interested.

I agree with Tom about the diversion of funds to address the new reality.

Say... just WHEN did those Canahoodians start coming up with good ideas???? <G>
I'm twice as good looking as our PM too. Really.

mmd
10-06-2017, 03:23 PM
I have nothing against Disney; I just think that this is a "teachable moment" for the kids. Mind you, they have to know all the details: "We thought about going to Disney, but your car needs to be fixed and I can't help with that and Disney, too." Leadership, eh?

As for Disney and grown kids, we have often joked (sorta seriously) that my daughter & her boyfriend should plan their honeymoon at Disney - she loves Disney cartoons and he had never been on a fairground ride until he met her.

David G
10-06-2017, 03:25 PM
I'm twice as good looking as our PM too. Really.

Only twice? I would have thought at le... well, I'll take your word for it. A Canuckistanian would never lie... would he?

Too Little Time
10-06-2017, 03:26 PM
I'm torn. Technically, I can do it. Not sure if I should. thoughts?

My immediate thinking is I'd be more inclined to front this money if they offer to forego Disney.
I find vacations and other spending decisions work out best when everyone is on the same page. It helps if everyone shares a common economic history.

I don't remember much about the economic issues of my kids when they were first out of the house. Now, I think it is proper for parents to help out their kids. It has taken me a long time to realize that. I hope my kids help out their kids whenever they can.

Whenever my kids bring up some unexpected expense, I ask if they want me to do a bank transfer. But they are just complaining. They don't want or need the money. But I am not willing to make them ask. Same with vacations. We know what we expect to spend and how the costs will eventually be split up. Everyone pays what is convenient. At the end all expenses go into a spreadsheet and my wife credits everyone's account. From time to time some money gets transferred from one bank account to another. I never ask for an accounting.

Pay for the car repairs before the kid asks. Don't ask for it to be repaid. Just do it because it is a good thing to do. If the kid pays it back, thank her.

John of Phoenix
10-06-2017, 03:27 PM
"Fronting money" as in lending money to kids and grandkids?

Having done it, I wouldn't. If they get behind, they start to feel guilty and avoid you. Give it and be done with it.

mmd
10-06-2017, 03:38 PM
Good point, John. However, I don't structure my loans to my daughter (there have been three) to be paid back on the installment plan. I tell her to save up and pay me back in one lump sum, with no "pay-by" date. If ever she defaulted - for whatever reason - I would conveniently forget that I had loaned her the money, and tell her so. I have never had to do that. I suppose that fiscal responsibility depends on the kid. Gwyn would eat Vitamin K for months to retire a debt rather than let it drag on. On the other hand, I have bought a couple of vehicles for her - complete with registration & insurance - to use free of charge while she was in university, because she needed them and I could afford them.

Phil Y
10-06-2017, 03:56 PM
Fix the car, send the wife, kids and friend to Disney. Stay home and watch TV.

John of Phoenix
10-06-2017, 04:01 PM
That's a good way to handle it Michael.

John Smith
10-06-2017, 04:29 PM
Yep. Disney and Vegas: two places I have never once had the urge to visit.

Disney, in it's own way is fascinating. All of that began with a guy drawing a mouse. One wonders where all those people keep coming from, and the restrooms are spotless.

John Smith
10-06-2017, 04:41 PM
I've had lots of fun @ Disney - but that's me.

I'm not understanding fully. The kids are paying to go to Disney, but need help on a car repair? If so, definitely the car repair comes ahead of a trip to Disney.

No, the kids are not paying for Disney. That was a grandmother thing.

I've no doubt this trip will be the last the wife and I take, and it's our 50th.

As I write this, the decision has been made. Granddaughter's mom who's strapped volunteered to go halves.

It's now a moot question. I should have known. Disney financing is a bit complex. Wife and I are going as an anniversary present from our eldest.

Our friend who's coming with us is paying half the cost of the 'kids'.

Disney itself, is only part of our part. Our friend has a great granddaughter in Tamp she's not seen. We all have an old friend in Jacksonville we've not seen in some time, Wife and I have an old friend a bit west of Jacksonville we've not seen for a LONG time, and my old friend with the Wurlitzer is on the way. That part I look forward to.

In the long scheme of life this is not a huge amount of money, and I'm glad it is something we can do. Hopefully, just the thought of maybe giving up the trip will teach them.

Strange world sometimes. He's a really nice boy, graduated college, and when his internship is over, he is likely going to have a pretty good job in the law enforcement and parole area. She's working part time. HIS family has been zero help.

I guess we're trying to make up for it and over compensating.

peb
10-06-2017, 04:46 PM
Are you REALLY surprised that kids who need financial help need financial help?

No, the point is that kids who start receiving financial help for small things, continually tend to need more and more. They tend to get "hooked" on it. Sounds harsh, but the guys that wrote the book determined there one of the constant traits among self-made millionaires (typically small business owners, blue collar type workers, who drive used cars, where overalls, etc) are that they never had any adult financial assistance from their parents. But, they tend to give adult financial assistance to their kids, and the kids never stop coming back for more.

My father fits that profile perfectly. He will tell me now how it was such a big mistake to help some of my siblings so much. Sounds harsh, I know, but I believe it is true. If any of my kids ever have a true emergency, I will of course be there to help. A thousand dollar car repair bill? I don't think so, unless it was compounded with some other financial hardship.

George Jung
10-06-2017, 04:49 PM
I'm twice as good looking as our PM too. Really.

i can relate. Folks often do a double-take when they see me...


Fix the car, send the wife, kids and friend to Disney. Stay home and watch TV.


yes. Give that man a cigar! I just did that...but to Paris. Quite relaxing.

amish rob
10-06-2017, 04:51 PM
Disney, in it's own way is fascinating. All of that began with a guy drawing a mouse. One wonders where all those people keep coming from, and the restrooms are spotless.

I agree. The idea, and vision, of Disneyland is amazing. It is very gebalt in its fantasy-ness.
It is hard not to smile in that place, no matter what harsh reality may face you outside, if only because the falseness of the fantasy is so very visible beneath the gossamer veneer.

It is a fine piece of escapism.
All the people from everywhere come together, elbow to elbow, and remain polite, and friendly, and immersed in the fantasy of wanting to ride The Matterhorn.

I never tire of watching people, and some of the sweetest, most beautiful displays of multi generational humanity and sheer joy are on display daily at Disneyland. Really.

It is VERY expensive, and cheesy and goofy (and mickey), but it really is a magical place.

It is a place to try and remind ourselves of the pure joy of play we felt as children, and the places fun and play retain in our adult lives.

That said, Iím happiest, probably, way up high in the hills on a perfectly still lake. But Disney ainít all bad.

And they DO have clean bathrooms. Weird.

And killer fireworks, too. :)

Peace,
Robert

P.S. We tried to figure out how much the gate takes in and our brains popped. Itís 100 bucks per, And I think capacity is 100,000 people or somesuch.
Whew! Everyday!

Tom Wilkinson
10-06-2017, 04:54 PM
All I know is 1k sounds ridiculously expensive for a cat for a honda fit. What year is it, I'm reasonably sure that price can be cut to 1/4 of that.

peb
10-06-2017, 04:56 PM
All I know is 1k sounds ridiculously expensive for a cat for a honda fit. What year is it, I'm reasonably sure that price can be cut to 1/4 of that.

It seems to me that parking at any mechanic shop costs 250 bucks;

John Smith
10-06-2017, 05:00 PM
All I know is 1k sounds ridiculously expensive for a cat for a honda fit. What year is it, I'm reasonably sure that price can be cut to 1/4 of that.

This car has two of these things. Replaced one a while back. Considerable researched found no less costly alternatives.

The other side of this 'coin' is car is tight, runs well, is in overall good shape. Got the car for free as a gift from her aunt. Lots of miles, well maintained, and warned it was going to need one of these.

I should ad the boy has an Accord which just needed $500, which they had. Things have a tendency to come in clumps, and it's hard to dig out of a hole once one is in a hole, so it is hoped we can keep the hole from getting too deep, and things will be better.

Stiletto
10-06-2017, 05:58 PM
All I know is 1k sounds ridiculously expensive for a cat for a honda fit. What year is it, I'm reasonably sure that price can be cut to 1/4 of that.

I thought so too, but a quick Ebay search showed me that the part is quite expensive, and the costs of putting a car into a workshop is a bit like a taxi meter at a stoplight.

Fred Z
10-06-2017, 06:05 PM
Granddaughter's Honda Fit decided this week it needs a catalitic converter. This will cost $1000 give or take. Obviously she needs the car.
thoughts?

Thoughts? Yeah. I'm glad I have Miatas. $138.00 each, and bolt on:

http://ep.yimg.com/ay/gomiata/mazda-miata-high-flow-catalytic-converter-by-magnaflow-1990-1993-15.gif

$1,000.00 for a cat? Yikes!!!

Breakaway
10-06-2017, 06:39 PM
I just had the cats done on both sides of my truck's engine ( Nissan Titan, 200,000 miles). From mechanic I grew up with and have been using for 30 years, it was $2,020 all in parts and labor.

Kevin