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L.W. Baxter
10-05-2017, 07:38 AM
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

--Dmetri Martin

JimD
10-05-2017, 07:53 AM
Choking on the snacks is also not advised.

Jim Mahan
10-05-2017, 07:58 AM
"Okay, okay, first word second sylable. Sounds like. Chest. No. Clutch. Double clutching a car! No! Wait. Angina. You're having angina! You're clutching your angina in a race car. No. Wait! Your girlfiriend's race car."

"Dude, that's rude. TMI..."

L.W. Baxter
10-06-2017, 07:46 AM
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something.

--Mitch Hedberg

Jim Mahan
10-06-2017, 09:01 AM
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something. --Mitch Hedberg

The neighbors were suddenly woked by chortling.

TomF
10-06-2017, 09:07 AM
I love this thread. Rats marching to the wisdom of a different oracle.

SchoonerRat
10-06-2017, 10:40 AM
Be comforted by the fact that no matter where you sail on the oceans of this world, you're never more than a few miles from land!

And remember,

"No matter where you go, there you are."
--Buckaroo Banzai

amish rob
10-06-2017, 10:43 AM
Be comforted by the fact that no matter where you sail on the oceans of this world, you're never more than a few miles from land!

And remember, "No matter where you go, there you are."

Aha! Because you mean down. Hehe.

Peace,
There, Not Here ;)

S.V. Airlie
10-06-2017, 10:49 AM
Oh, I don't know! When I finally got my NY Drivers' lic. after jumping through a heck of a lot of hoops, the guy said, hey you have a pacemaker, you have to have a doc sign off on this before I give it to you!
Okay, I thought, it's Friday, I'll just pop down to the hospital and have a cardiologist sign off. Simple! So to the hospital I go, go to the cardiologist Dept. explained what I needed and she said;

I'm sorry, there are no cardiologists here today, it's Friday! NOTE TO MYSELF! Don't have a heart attack on Fridays and expect to live.

L.W. Baxter
10-07-2017, 07:30 AM
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

--Lily Tomlin

L.W. Baxter
10-08-2017, 08:13 AM
If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit a Native American community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

--Brian Regan

TomF
10-08-2017, 08:51 AM
By coincidence, I have some private reserve Malbec reserved for supper tonight. But I have no reservations about it.

Domesticated_Mr. Know It All
10-08-2017, 02:02 PM
"Everybody has a plan, until they get punched in the mouth."

~Mike Tyson~

amish rob
10-08-2017, 02:56 PM
"Everybody has a plan, until they get punched in the mouth."

~Mike Tyson~
Then the plan goes out the window and you bite him! :)

Peace,
Robert

L.W. Baxter
10-09-2017, 07:23 AM
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

--David Letterman

ishmael
10-09-2017, 08:16 AM
"Be careful when you cast your demons out, that you don't throw away the best of yourself."

Nietzsche

L.W. Baxter
10-10-2017, 07:38 AM
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

--Steven Wright

David G
10-10-2017, 09:12 AM
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. (http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/258.html)

Mark Twain

paulf
10-10-2017, 09:20 AM
YOUR OTHER LEFT, A$$ HOLE!

Sgt. Sykes USMC

oznabrag
10-10-2017, 09:35 AM
--Steven Wright

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana"

Steven Wright

L.W. Baxter
10-10-2017, 11:30 AM
I think that was Groucho, Oz, but we're just brainstorming here.:D

amish rob
10-10-2017, 11:48 AM
YOUR OTHER LEFT, A$$ HOLE!

Sgt. Sykes USMC

Sir, I only have the one a-hole, Sir. Sir, itís dead center, Sir.

Peace,
Dead Meat :)

David G
10-10-2017, 12:31 PM
Sir, I only have the one a-hole, Sir. Sir, it’s dead center, Sir.

Peace,
Dead Meat :)

You've DONE the measurements? Why on earth would anyo.... oh, nevermind, we probably don't want to know, now do we <G>

paulf
10-10-2017, 01:10 PM
You've DONE the measurements? Why on earth would anyo.... oh, nevermind, we probably don't want to know, now do we <G>

Actually Sgt. Sykes, my drill instructor at the time, ripped me a new one!

TomF
10-10-2017, 02:51 PM
I went outside and shot an elephant in my pajamas.

-Steven WrightHe'll have a terrible time getting the stains out.

Jim Mahan
10-10-2017, 02:57 PM
Groucho. My uncle once shot an elephant in his pajamas. How the elephant got in my uncle's pajamas, I'll never know. [cigar flick]

Jimmy W
10-10-2017, 03:09 PM
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

Mae West

David G
10-10-2017, 03:14 PM
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

Mae West

Resist it? I and resist ANYTHING!!!!

<except temptation>

oznabrag
10-10-2017, 04:24 PM
I think that was Groucho, Oz, but we're just brainstorming here.:D

Well, blow me down.


https://quoteinvestigator.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/sherlockbanner22.jpg (https://quoteinvestigator.com/) Time Flies Like an Arrow; Fruit Flies Like a Banana Groucho Marx? Anthony Oettinger?
https://quoteinvestigator.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/timefruitflies03.jpg (https://quoteinvestigator.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/timefruitflies03.jpg)Dear Quote Investigator: My favorite quote attributed to Groucho Marx is the absurdist, “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” But I have read enough of this blog to know that sometimes quotes are wrongly credited. Can you tell me about this quote?
Quote Investigator: Yes, but the news is not good for your favorite Groucho quote. The Yale Book of Quotations is a wonderful reference that I recommend to all readers of this blog. Editor Fred R. Shapiro has researched this quote and says “There is no reason to believe that Groucho actually said this. It appeared in the Usenet news group net.jokes, 9 July 1982.”
So where did this quote come from?
QI has traced the core of the quotation to the work of an early researcher in artificial intelligence, Anthony Oettinger, who was trying to get a computer to manipulate the English language. In the magazine Scientific American in 1966, Oettinger describes a computer program that takes sentences as input and attempts to determine which words are acting as verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs, etcetera [OET]. The example input he uses is “Time flies like an arrow”, but the task is complicated because the computer program must also work properly for sentences such as “Fruit flies like a banana” and “Time runners with a stop-watch”. Here is what he says:

A grammar that pretends to describe English at all accurately must yield a structure for “Time flies like an arrow” in which “time” is the subject of the verb “flies” and “like an arrow” is an adverbial phrase modifying the verb. “Time” can also serve attributively, however, as in “time bomb,” and “flies” of course can serve as a noun. Together with “like” interpreted as a verb, this yields a structure that becomes obvious only if one thinks of a kind of flies called “time flies,” which happen to like an arrow, perhaps as a meal. Moreover, “time” as an imperative verb with “flies” as a noun also yields a structure that makes sense as an order to someone to take out his stopwatch and time flies with great dispatch, or like an arrow.
Oettinger says it is possible to modify his computer program to rule out the possibilities that seem unlikely, but this is problematic because the program may then fail to generate the proper results for other related sentences:

Worse yet anything ruling out the nonexisting species of time flies will also rule out the identical but legitimate structure of “Fruit flies like a banana.”
A popular text in artificial intelligence mentioned this work and contained the two sentences: “Time flies like an arrow” and “Fruit flies like a banana” [AI]. A generation of researchers in artificial intelligence, machine translation, and computational linguistics were exposed to them. By 1982 or before someone juxtaposed the sentences to yield a funny combination which was then assigned to Groucho Marx. Marx died in 1977 so it is possible that he said the words but there is no direct evidence of this.
[OET] 1966 September, Scientific American, The Uses of Computers in Science by Anthony Oettinger, Page 168, Volume 215, New York. (Verified on paper)
[AI] 1970, Human and Artificial Intelligence edited by Frederick J. Crosson, Introduction, Page 15, Meredith Corporation, New York. (Google Books snippet view, Verified on paper) link (http://books.google.com/books?id=pgcuAAAAMAAJ&q=%22time+flies%22#search_anchor)

This entry was posted in Anthony Oettinger (https://quoteinvestigator.com/category/anthony-oettinger/), Groucho Marx (https://quoteinvestigator.com/category/groucho-marx/) and tagged Groucho Marx (https://quoteinvestigator.com/tag/groucho-marx/) on May 4, 2010 (https://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/05/04/time-flies-arrow/).

Rigadog
10-10-2017, 05:15 PM
"Let each man cultivate a large taste for the inevitable and go to Hell his own way" - My Uncle

L.W. Baxter
10-11-2017, 07:01 AM
Well, blow me down.

Yeah, geez, coulda swore I saw Groucho say that line in a movie. I can picture it in my mind's eye, in black and white even.

How many other false memories do I have?

Wait, is Donald Trump president?

Hwyl
10-11-2017, 07:11 AM
When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

varadero
10-11-2017, 07:32 AM
All men die, but few men really live. I have recently bee n diagnosed with terminal cancer, I hope I have filled that category.

L.W. Baxter
10-11-2017, 07:47 AM
Damn sorry to hear that, Bobby. I take it a nearly impossible catastrophe has turned completely impossible. Very, very sorry. My heart goes out to you and your family.

CWSmith
10-11-2017, 08:29 AM
^ Yes. I do hope your remaining days are joyful and satisfying.

Ted Hoppe
10-11-2017, 09:50 AM
All men die, but few men really live. I have recently bee n diagnosed with terminal cancer, I hope I have filled that category.

Sorry to hear you received such troubling news. It has always been all laid out but you still pick how you want to live. I hope you continue to get your fill of love, connection and purpose much longer than you can possibly envison.

TomF
10-11-2017, 11:15 AM
All men die, but few men really live. I have recently bee n diagnosed with terminal cancer, I hope I have filled that category.My prayers for you, your family. I hope that as you reflect on your life, overall it gives you peace.

David G
10-11-2017, 01:14 PM
All men die, but few men really live. I have recently bee n diagnosed with terminal cancer, I hope I have filled that category.

My sincerest condolences. I went thru my own little dance with cancer... but survived with a good prognosis. I hope you manage to make the best of your remaining time, and find ways to let your loved ones know what they mean to you. Vaya con Dios, amigo.