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jonboy
03-09-2016, 02:28 PM
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!

Peerie Maa
03-09-2016, 02:34 PM
I could not possibly comment.

I am sorely tempted though.:D

CWSmith
03-09-2016, 02:59 PM
What bothers me most is that it is not new and it is still relevant. And funny.

Steve McMahon
03-09-2016, 03:19 PM
I could not possibly comment.

I am sorely tempted though.:D

Please do.

Peerie Maa
03-09-2016, 03:48 PM
Please do.

OK
This
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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This
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

and this
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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Pretty well nails it for me :p :D

P.I. Stazzer-Newt
03-09-2016, 04:22 PM
Biscuits - these are hard things which snap rather than bend..

The things you call "biscuits" - are scones.

Peerie Maa
03-09-2016, 04:28 PM
Biscuits - these are hard things which snap rather than bend..

The things you call "biscuits" - are scones.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wP0mXUCqOCc

BrianW
03-09-2016, 04:49 PM
The British monarchy tried to stop our independence once, but failed. Of course, that was a King. It's well know England's strength lies in it's Queens.

:D

PeterSibley
03-09-2016, 04:55 PM
USA, consider yourselves fortunate that the UK cares enough to help !

Captain Intrepid
03-09-2016, 04:56 PM
The British monarchy tried to stop our independence once, but failed. Of course, that was a King. It's well know England's strength lies in it's Queens.

:D

I somehow doubt the French will bail you out this time like they did in 1776. :D

P.I. Stazzer-Newt
03-09-2016, 04:59 PM
USA, consider yourselves fortunate that the UK cares enough to help !

Help! - you think getting Boris in exchange for Drumpf is help.....

Peerie Maa
03-09-2016, 05:00 PM
USA, consider yourselves fortunate that the UK cares enough to help !

Yes it is hard to watch ones protégé make such abject fools of themselves. ;)

Peerie Maa
03-09-2016, 05:02 PM
Help! - you think getting Boris in exchange for Drumpf is help.....
Boris may be a buffoon, but he does know how to behave in company.

oznabrag
03-09-2016, 06:15 PM
Worth a chuckle or two, for sure.

John Cleese, of course, has the last word on British Terror Alerts:



Subject: Terror Alert Threats Escalated in Europe - By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ...

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Rich Jones
03-09-2016, 10:37 PM
Let's see... I'll have to now refer to my neighbor's truck as a "lorry" and put my luggage in the "boot" of my wife's car. Of course, I could just leave the car at home and that the "tube" to work. Do they talk funny in Ireland, too? We're going there on vacation this summer. We'd better learn the lingo.:)

Waddie
03-09-2016, 10:52 PM
I refuse to droop to the level of English performance in the bedroom. My wife would kick me out. Can't we become French, or even Italian, citizens instead?

regards,
Waddie

BrianW
03-09-2016, 11:05 PM
Let's see... I'll have to now refer to my neighbor's truck as a "lorry" and put my luggage in the "boot" of my wife's car. Of course, I could just leave the car at home and that the "tube" to work. Do they talk funny in Ireland, too? We're going there on vacation this summer. We'd better learn the lingo.:)

Mind the gap.

jonboy
03-10-2016, 01:22 PM
We're going there on vacation this summer. We'd better learn the lingo.:)

Vacation sounds suspiciously like a bowel movement to the British.....We , and you in Ireland, will be taking a holiday this summer.

Peerie Maa
03-10-2016, 02:02 PM
Let's see... I'll have to now refer to my neighbor's truck as a "lorry" and put my luggage in the "boot" of my wife's car. Of course, I could just leave the car at home and that the "tube" to work. Do they talk funny in Ireland, too? We're going there on vacation this summer. We'd better learn the lingo.:)

This might help :D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhLdKJnY194

P.S. This is a pick up truck, not a lorry :D
http://www.bestcarinf.com/manufacturers/toyota/toyota-pickup/toyota-pickup-truck/toyota-pickup-truck-10.jpg

Bernadette
03-10-2016, 07:09 PM
^thats not a pick up truck or a lorry. It's a UTE, mate.

and speaking of therapists…the new age fad of adult colouring books wasn't doing so well on the news stands until the books were re-purposed and published with the "T" word on the cover. now the masses think that by colouring in all manner of loveliness will flow into their sorry lives.

PeterSibley
03-10-2016, 07:31 PM
A beaut ute !

The engine is beneath the bonnet, not the hood. A hood is on a jacket or possibly an MG.

Hwyl
03-10-2016, 08:09 PM
Britain? Isn't it still an insignificant underling of the EU.

By the way, American beer has significantly improved over the past couple of decades. It now surpasses (shudder) most British big brewery stuff.

elf
03-10-2016, 08:41 PM
Sorry, Liz. You drive on the wrong side. We won't give on that one.

purri
03-11-2016, 12:19 AM
Don't you mean the correct side?

Peerie Maa
03-11-2016, 03:31 AM
^thats not a pick up truck or a lorry. It's a UTE, mate.



Whose language are we speaking here?

Peerie Maa
03-11-2016, 03:34 AM
Sorry, Liz. You drive on the wrong side. We won't give on that one.

Nope, we did not pander to terrorists during some political upheaval, and stayed on the correct side of the road.