View Full Version : Roll out a barrel of jokes

The Bigfella
07-22-2015, 04:21 AM
There were 30 people stranded on a deserted island:

Two Italian men and one Italian women.
Two French men and one French women.
Two German men and one German women.
Two Greek men and one Greek women.
Two English men and one English women.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian women.
Two Romanian men and one Romanian women.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese women.
Two American men and one American women.
Two Irish men and one Irish women.

After a month the following had happened:

One Italian man had killed the other Italian man over the Italian woman.

The two French men were living happily together with the French woman in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternate visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is doing all the cleaning and cooking.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The three Romanians spend their time begging off the other 27 and flashing their gold teeth.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

07-22-2015, 04:55 AM
Might have heard this one here.......

Woman walks into a petshop and says she wants a talking parrot. The owner says he has one but he's not sure if it will be suitable, but the woman says 'ok, we all know they get taught to swear and so on....'
'Well, it used to belong the Madame of a brothel', says the pet shop man, and she decides to buy it.
Gets it home, and takes the cover off the cage, and the parrot goes ' squark! new premises nice! very nice!
The woman's teenage daughter walks in and the parrot goes 'Squark! new girls! nice! very nice!
The woman's husband comes in and the parrot goes 'Hello Bob! Haven't seen you for a while...

The Bigfella
07-22-2015, 05:33 AM
One afternoon, an air traffic controller at the local military training base received a call

"Tower, this is Captain Wilson, what time is it?"

The ATC replied: "Sir, I need to know which branch of the service you fly for?"

The Capt; "What difference does it make to you, just tell me what time it is"

ATC: Sir I can't tell you what time it is if I don't know which service you are"

Capt: "Listen son, I'm a Captain, a pilot, and I damn sure outrank you you snot nosed sonofabitch, tell me what time it is, right now"

ATC: "Yes sir Captain Sir, if you are a Captain in the Navy, Sir, the time is 14:30, sir. If you're a Captain in the Air force, it's 2:30 pm, Sir, and if you're a Captain in the Army, sir, Mickey's big hand is on the Six..............

John of Phoenix
07-22-2015, 11:27 AM
and if you're a Captain in the Army,If you're a Captain in the Marines, it's still Wednesday.

The Bigfella
08-02-2015, 04:23 AM
https://scontent-arn2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/t1.0-9/230588_10151177169884443_639620496_n.jpg?oh=d39930 8b0b65b38415eeb1bf8c36f63c&oe=564A0446

The Bigfella
08-02-2015, 04:24 AM
Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England .

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies.

"Watch and learn, bro," answers one of the Maoris.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So, after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Maori.

"Watch and learn, bro, " answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train duly departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."