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Rum_Pirate
04-12-2015, 05:43 AM
Re the Lucas smoke thread :


The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructionsHaynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.


Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.


Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

Rum_Pirate
04-12-2015, 05:44 AM
...
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADEHAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Rum_Pirate
04-12-2015, 05:45 AM
Engineering Terms* A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.


* EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.


* CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.


* MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hitech.


* CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.


* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch


* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.


* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.


* ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.


* RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!


* LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.


* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.


* LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken
….. . . .

Phillip Allen
04-12-2015, 07:01 AM
anyone who's ever skinned his knuckles knows all about that stuff

Ian McColgin
04-12-2015, 09:24 AM
Two of Dad's favorites from his student engineer days at Oklahoma A&M:

If it's not broken, you're not trying.

Real engineers break stuff.

Canoeyawl
04-12-2015, 12:01 PM
I have a friend that bought a "restored" car from a man who writes automotive tech manuals. I was hired to "inspect" the vehicle before purchase, and realized that it needed quite a bit of finish work. Cheap, hardware store grade bolts throughout, a hacked together exhaust system, wiring nightmare, and a very odd power steering and power brake conversion. We purchased the car because it was rare and there was an insurance claim available to pay for it, but it took several thousand dollars to put it right. In the end, once we "un-did" everything the Haynes guy had done it was a pretty good car.

(A 1965 El Camino SS with a 350 HP 327)

Paul Pless
04-12-2015, 12:04 PM
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. no ****

Keith Wilson
04-12-2015, 12:27 PM
"Molegrips"?? British vise-grips, I presume?

http://dezndt9i6z9ef.cloudfront.net/catalog/product/cache/6/image/348x/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/i/m/image_134.jpg

hokiefan
04-12-2015, 12:56 PM
My dad's favorite version of Murphy's Law:


If everything seems to be going OK, you've obviously overlooked something.

Cheers,

Bobby

Ian McColgin
04-12-2015, 01:45 PM
Mole Grips were "invented" about thirty years after Vice Grips.

Jim Bow
04-12-2015, 02:25 PM
Afro Lancaster Manual (http://www.abebooks.com/Avro-Lancaster-Owners-Workshop-Manual-1941/11841052907/bd?cm_mmc=gmc-_-gmc-_-PLA-_-v01)

Paul G.
04-12-2015, 02:40 PM
The best tool in dissasembly of unfamiliar machinery etc is in your pocket- your cellphone! Oh what I wouldnt have given to snap pics of tricky jobs, so many times there has been that extra shim, washer, O ring left out or a reverse installation in a 50/40 call.

John B
04-12-2015, 04:29 PM
Yes, I always take photos now, rather than rely on the 286 in my head.

Rum_Pirate
04-12-2015, 05:29 PM
Afro Lancaster Manual (http://www.abebooks.com/Avro-Lancaster-Owners-Workshop-Manual-1941/11841052907/bd?cm_mmc=gmc-_-gmc-_-PLA-_-v01)


How about this one?

http://cdn3.volusion.com/jants.petuy/v/vspfiles/photos/142-2.jpg?1323080336

Stiletto
04-12-2015, 06:12 PM
I have found the Haynes manuals just ok. I still have one of each for the Norton Commando, and the Austin/Morris J4 van. One never knows when they might come in handy!

P.I. Stazzer-Newt
04-13-2015, 12:07 PM
http://www.haynes.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10001&storeId=10001&productId=41801&langId=-1

The Bigfella
04-13-2015, 12:29 PM
When I rebuilt my S38B36 (BMW M5) engine, I had a couple of manuals, additional material from the web and a lot of photos. The lot of them combined made it possible. There were conflicts between the sources at times.

Paul Pless
04-13-2015, 12:35 PM
I have found the Haynes manuals just ok. I still have one of each for the Norton Commando, and the Austin/Morris J4 van. One never knows when they might come in handy!I've found the exploded diagrams and schematics in the free Victoria British Catalogs to be as or more useful, especially the wiring diagrams when it came to working on TR-6's, spitfires, and GT-6's. . .

Michael D. Storey
04-13-2015, 12:58 PM
The Boy saved his Haynes from his first car It was a 78 camaro. Good thing, as he just bought the same year for $700. He drove it home. I have not been able to drive a $700 just-bought home since a 122S Volvo in 1974

Jim Bow
04-13-2015, 01:47 PM
Anybody still have their

http://www.thesamba.com/vw/archives/books/idiotsguide.jpg

John of Phoenix
04-13-2015, 01:54 PM
Two of Dad's favorites from his student engineer days at Oklahoma A&M:

If it's not broken, you're not trying.

Real engineers break stuff.
Army maintenance motto: Beat it fit, paint it to match.

John of Phoenix
04-13-2015, 02:01 PM
Anybody still have theirIn 1973 I bought a '64 Beetle with 150,000 mile on it for $200. The price included that book. Twelve years later, after rebuilding the engine and adding another 125,000 miles, I sold the car and book for $300.

I figure the book was at least half the value both times.

The Bigfella
04-13-2015, 05:51 PM
Yeah. I still have mine

purri
04-13-2015, 07:00 PM
yes.

Keith Wilson
04-13-2015, 07:27 PM
Oh, lordy, the Muir VW manual! That brings back memories. I never had one myself, but I had a good friend who had a series of cheap rusty VWs, and I helped him work on them. Drop the engine on the garage floor (or the street, sometimes), then lift up the back of the car by the bumper and roll it forward . . . Two of us could do it, but we were in our early 20s with strong backs. The picture is a clean copy; most had more grease on them.

SMARTINSEN
04-13-2015, 07:47 PM
"I have a thin, flat wrench, you see."

Dannybb55
04-13-2015, 07:48 PM
The VW was engineered for shade tree mechanics, like the Ford MB Jeep.

The Bigfella
04-14-2015, 06:53 AM
Oh, lordy, the Muir VW manual! That brings back memories. I never had one myself, but I had a good friend who had a series of cheap rusty VWs, and I helped him work on them. Drop the engine on the garage floor (or the street, sometimes), then lift up the back of the car by the bumper and roll it forward . . . Two of us could do it, but we were in our early 20s with strong backs. The picture is a clean copy; most had more grease on them.

I was driving my '58 Beetle from Sydney to Coffs Harbour (360 miles) with 4 adults and a dog... and the damn thrust bearing dropped out on the bridge at Taree on Christmas Eve. We borrowed a garage jack (after leaving a deposit worth more than the car), dropped the engine on the street... put the thrust bearing back in... and were on our way again in record time. Got 88 mph on the speedo on that trip (speedo only went to 60 mph IIRC, but we had the needle around to the high beam indicator light).