View Full Version : Terror Alert Status

Ian McColgin
06-13-2012, 10:14 AM
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."* The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ...

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

- Passing through the ether and ascribed without evidence to John Cleese.

David W Pratt
06-13-2012, 12:41 PM
Always enjoy that one.

John of Phoenix
06-13-2012, 12:50 PM
What a mind.

https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRkNtdhNj6p7HUrKYMv1c3E4RF6vjqjz VX_Gte72798p6kirQlRgA

06-13-2012, 01:34 PM
Truly. Really funny people are outrageously smart. Cleese is a classic example; Douglas Adams was another such.

I'll never forget reading the chapter in Adams' "Last Chance to See" about the Kakapo - a flightless parrot which periodically forgot it was flightless. When agitated, it would climb up a tree, go onto a limb, and jump off. And "fly like a brick." Or another chapter in the same book about the white rhinocerous ... which Adams saw indistinctly from quite a distance before it got startled and trotted away "like a nimble young tank." :D :D

Old Dryfoot
06-13-2012, 01:47 PM
Douglas Adams was pure comedic genius.

Electric Monk anyone?


06-13-2012, 02:01 PM

06-13-2012, 02:09 PM
Electric Monks were introduced to create a profit stream while beta-testing the disbelief circuitry and software. The real technical challenges came with the later, much more lucrative political models.