View Full Version : so there used to be a humor thread or two. . .

Paul Pless
04-26-2012, 10:39 AM
Pissing in the Snow
Told by Frank Hembree, Galena, Mo., April, 1945. He heard it in the late 1890's. J.L. Russell, Harrison, Ark., spun me the same yarn in 1950; he says it was told near Green Forest, Ark., about 1885. One time there was two farmers that lived out on the road to Carico. They was always good friends, and Bill's oldest boy had been a-sparking one of Sam's daughters. Everything was going fine till the morning they met down by the creek, and Sam was pretty goddam mad. "Bill," says he, "from now on I don't want that boy of yours to set foot on my place." "Why, what's he done?" asked the boy's daddy.
"He pissed in the snow, that's what he done, right in front of my house!"
But surely, there ain't no great harm in that," Bill says.
"No harm!" hollered Sam. "Hell's fire, he pissed so it spelled Lucy's name, right there in the snow!"
"The boy shouldn't have done that," says Bill. "But I don't see nothing so terrible bad about it."
"Well, by God, I do!" yelled Sam. "There was two sets of tracks! And besides, don't you think I know my own daughter's handwriting?"

Chris Coose
04-26-2012, 10:40 AM
You're joking.

Ian McColgin
04-26-2012, 10:56 AM
"Pissing in the Snow and Other Ozark Folktales" by Vance Randolph, University of Illinois Press, 1976, is a wonderful compilation. Randolph had collected many Ozark folktales during the Depression but about one hundred and sixty were considered too obsene to publish back at the end of WWII when the rest of the collection came out. So it was not for another thirty years . . .

If you can get a copy, so well worth it. Especially funny in contrast are the field notes, who told and when and where when collected, and the end notes where various tales of incest and such are put in the mythologist/folk lorist typology and compared to some Babalonian folk tale.

04-26-2012, 11:03 AM
Good 'un Pless.
Reminds me of my cousin swimming across the river. As he got about 2/3rds of the way across his arms started to ache and he got real tired, so he turned around and swam back to shore.

Ian McColgin
04-26-2012, 11:09 AM
Here's one from the book I retell a lot when the wind dies and we're more or less on the drift:

So this fellow from Mitchell's Cove way up in the hills ran off to join the Navy. After basic he returned to the hollow swaggering about in his bell bottom double fly sailor pants, grabbed the town pump and took her up to her place. There he was whanging away and he called out, "How'm I doing baby?"

"About three knots," the whore replied.

"Three knots? You know what three knots is? That's sailor talk and you never been out of this hollow not within 300 miles of salt water and you think you know what three knots is?"

"Sure do honey. You're NOT in. It's NOT hard. And you're NOT getting your money back."

Paul Pless
04-26-2012, 11:28 AM
what's your sign?

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

You have a vivid imagination and often think the CIA or FBI is following you. You have a minor influence over your associates and people resent you for your flaunting of your power. You are a coward and lack confidence. Pices people do terrible things to small animals.

You are the pioneer type and hold people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Your are a communist.

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.

You are sympathetic and understanding to other peopleís problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. Thatís why youíll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancers.

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are known thieves.

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man you are more likely to be a queer. Chances for employment and gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal disease.

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpios are murdered.

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You donít do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they tend to take root and become trees.

David G
04-26-2012, 11:36 AM
Wild Whiskey Worm

One day Jim was out fishing and was not having any luck at all, he tried lures, worms and other types of bait and was just not catching anything. Tom was fishing about 20 feet from him and was catching fish as fast as he cast his line out. Jim was getting very jealous of this show off, so he asked the Tom what he was using for bait. The man said " I am using worms, but I dip them in whiskey" Jim got really interested in this technique so he asked Tom if he could try one of these drunk worms. Tom had no problem with this request so he handed Jim one of the worms. Jim placed the worm on the hook and cast out no sooner than his hook hit the water, Jims pole began to bow like crazy, he set his hook and started to reel it in. Once he got his catch up to the shore he noticed that the worm had the fish by the throat. (contributed by Jeff Walsh, Indianapolis, Indiana)