PDA

View Full Version : The bilge needs some levity: "Intellectual Groaners"



BrianY
06-16-2011, 02:04 PM
these were forwarded to me by my 76 year old aunt.

1.Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with
the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the
most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus,
the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000
dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish
to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a
fire, ...and so we'll never know For whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."

4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches,
they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that
people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of
course, is the origin of the expression -- He who has a Tate's is lost!

5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We
have absolutely nothing to go on."

6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off,
chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged
and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census."

8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on
an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of
the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two
hides. (Some of you may need help with this one.)

9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

10. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some
more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to
wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and
charged with: Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises.

pefjr
06-16-2011, 02:42 PM
Good ones.

oznabrag
06-16-2011, 03:22 PM
...and no pun in ten did. :) :)

What's the difference between a large-animal doctor, and a German soldier who survived WWII?

One's a veterinarian, and the other's a veteran Aryan.

Phelonius
06-16-2011, 03:32 PM
As for number 8, I thought squaw root was supposed to be involved.

A simpler way to express the equation is this
The angle of the dangle is in direct ratio with the heat of the meat divided by the mass of the a$$.
and that s'truth

David G
06-16-2011, 04:18 PM
Brian,

Thanks. I stole one.


From a friend who's a trumpeter in the local symphony orchestra --

Q. What's the difference between the new young trumpeter in the Baroque Orchestra... and an upholsterer?

A. The upholsterer 'tucks up the frills'.

coelacanth2
06-16-2011, 04:31 PM
Groan. Boo, Hissss.

oznabrag
06-16-2011, 04:35 PM
Brian,

Thanks. I stole one.


From a friend who's a trumpeter in the local symphony orchestra --

Q. What's the difference between the new young trumpeter in the Baroque Orchestra... and an upholsterer?

A. The upholsterer 'tucks up the frills'.

Oh yeah? Musician's jokes, is it?

Well tell me this, hot-shot: Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?








Because he was Haydn, that's why!

seanz
06-16-2011, 05:23 PM
People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones?

oznabrag
06-16-2011, 05:45 PM
Mahatma Gandhi was a super-calloused, fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

oznabrag
06-16-2011, 05:46 PM
Boyfoot bear with teaks of Chan.

Keith Wilson
06-16-2011, 08:52 PM
Gladly the cross-eyed bear.

purri
06-16-2011, 08:57 PM
"Pardon me bhoy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

Phillip Allen
06-16-2011, 09:31 PM
my 12 year old granddaughter doesn't get too many of them

David G
06-16-2011, 10:51 PM
my 12 year old granddaughter doesn't get too many of them

12, eh? I hope she doesn't ever get sassy with ya!

BTW - What would you call an impudent and deadly verbal attack?
A sassination!

Andrew Craig-Bennett
06-17-2011, 03:59 AM
Ok, musical jokes, two from Sir Thomas Beecham

A performance of "Aida" involved a live camel, which defecated on stage..."That camel is a lousy actor - but a blxxdy good critic!"

To a lady cellist, in rehearsal, "Madam, you have between your legs one of the finest instruments ever devised to give pleasure to mankind, and all you can do is sit there and scratch it!"

TomF
06-17-2011, 08:08 AM
Being a gentleman, presumably Beecham was referring to her cello.

PhaseLockedLoop
06-17-2011, 08:23 AM
I come to seize your berry, not to appraise it.