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ALERT: FUNNY STUFF
A student in a science class wrote, ``The universe is a giant orgasm.'' At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, ``Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
Here are some other statements from actual tests:
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
- All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.
- Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
- Men are mammals and women are femammals.
- Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.
- Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
- Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
- The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
- A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
- Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- When oxygen combines with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
- The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.
- Some people say we condescended from apes.
- If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
- When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water
- To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube
- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
- Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
- The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
- The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
- For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
- For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
- For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
- For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
- For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
- To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
Those were from 1994
................................"Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose"................................
These are from yesterday:
They are genuine answers (from 16 year-olds) . . . and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. (Say, has this kid been on the Forum before???)
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
........................................(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
........................................(At least they get to travel!)
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow
........................................(Simple, but brilliant.)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity: The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A, E, I,O,U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
........................................(This person has a career in politics awaiting!)
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome .
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
........................................(Julius Seizure: "I came, I saw, I had a fit!")
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
........................................(Irrefutab le!)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
........................................(Brilliant )
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
.......................................
........................................
These people vote -- They are the future generation -- America Is Dead!!!
........................................
........................................
I may be gone but verily am I still with thee.
Behave.
A student in a science class wrote, ``The universe is a giant orgasm.'' At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, ``Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
Here are some other statements from actual tests:
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
- All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.
- Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
- Men are mammals and women are femammals.
- Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.
- Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
- Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
- The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
- A circle is a figure with no corners and only one side.
- Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- When oxygen combines with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
- The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.
- Some people say we condescended from apes.
- If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
- When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water
- To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube
- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
- Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
- The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
- The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- Equator: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
- For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
- For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
- For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
- For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
- For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.
- To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
Those were from 1994
................................"Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose"................................
These are from yesterday:
They are genuine answers (from 16 year-olds) . . . and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. (Say, has this kid been on the Forum before???)
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
........................................(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
........................................(At least they get to travel!)
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow
........................................(Simple, but brilliant.)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity: The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A, E, I,O,U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
........................................(This person has a career in politics awaiting!)
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome .
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
........................................(Julius Seizure: "I came, I saw, I had a fit!")
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
........................................(Irrefutab le!)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
........................................(Brilliant )
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
.......................................
........................................
These people vote -- They are the future generation -- America Is Dead!!!
........................................
........................................
I may be gone but verily am I still with thee.
Behave.
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