View Full Version : Thank you for an informative 2009!!!

Tom Hoffman
01-01-2010, 11:45 AM
I just want to thank all of you for your educational Text's & E-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public toilet door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although mobile phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many tons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers!

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU! I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward any e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERNS, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat while I'm filling the tank.

I no longer use Glad Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from Australia Post, TNT Couriers or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy fuel from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the white tail spider and my hand will fall off. :D

Paul Girouard
01-01-2010, 11:51 AM
You didn't mention the asteroids that are going to hit earth and cause catastrophic damage to farming causing large scale food shortages.

01-01-2010, 11:56 AM
No worry, Russia is gonna stop them...

01-01-2010, 12:35 PM
I see you left out the last line......

" If you do not pass this along to at least 10 people you will be cursed by the ancient Pharaohs".

Great, i was going to use MY 10 here but you beated me to it!

I, Rowboat
01-01-2010, 10:51 PM
Hey, at least you can be certain that Jesus will whisk you up to Heaven while Top Management lays waste to the unsaved heathens in wave after wave of glorious genocidal wrath. Boy, won't that be a hoot. :D