PDA

View Full Version : Adult children



gert
11-05-2009, 01:05 PM
How do you get a 25 year old male "adult live at home" to clean his room?

Kaa
11-05-2009, 01:06 PM
Withhold his allowance :D

Kaa

Uncle Duke
11-05-2009, 01:11 PM
Take the door off his room. I hereby admit to having done this, and that it works.
:D

G.Sherman
11-05-2009, 01:12 PM
Raise his rent?:D

My girlfriend's 19 year old daughter lives with us and and the standing rule is the following....
"Got a job or going to school=no rent! No Job? School?= $20 a week"

seems to be working.....

Tom Wilkinson
11-05-2009, 01:16 PM
Raise his rent?:D

My girlfriend's 19 year old daughter lives with us and and the standing rule is the following....
"Got a job or going to school=no rent! No Job? School?= $20 a week"

seems to be working.....

20 a week!!!

I paid 50 a week in '85. And that was with a job. If I went to school then room was free, otherwise 50 a week. Glad they did it too. You learn to grow up fast. Bought my first home two years later at 21.

Figment
11-05-2009, 01:26 PM
Let the fridge go empty.

rbgarr
11-05-2009, 01:31 PM
Coming here for parenting advice is not a good sign. :D

hokiefan
11-05-2009, 01:33 PM
20 a week!!!

I paid 50 a week in '85. And that was with a job. If I went to school then room was free, otherwise 50 a week. Glad they did it too. You learn to grow up fast. Bought my first home two years later at 21.

My Dad made me pay rent, the equivalent of a semi-decent apartment. But I had to pay myself. He made me set up a separate savings account and put the rent in there. I couldn't touch it until I was out. But that way I had deposit money, etc. so I could move out. Even then I thought it was a good idea. Only stayed a month, but thats another story.

Cheers,

Bobby

George Roberts
11-05-2009, 01:39 PM
If it is his room, it is his room.

If you are unhappy with the state of the room, clean it. If you are unhappy with the son, kick him out.

jonboy
11-05-2009, 01:41 PM
Throw the contents of the room out on the street and change the locks.

gert
11-05-2009, 03:24 PM
If it is his room, it is his room.

He works and pays 18% of his income for room and board.
It is my position this does not entitle him to live like a pig. If he doesn't open his window you can sometimes smell his room when you come in the house.


Coming here for parenting advice is not a good sign.

He is 25! This is an old problem; I'm desperate.

Paul Pless
11-05-2009, 03:30 PM
If he doesn't open his window you can sometimes smell his room when you come in the house.In that case, do not follow Uncle Duke's advice!!!
Take the door off his room. I hereby admit to having done this, and that it works.
:D

LeeG
11-05-2009, 03:36 PM
He works and pays 18% of his income for room and board.
It is my position this does not entitle him to live like a pig. If he doesn't open his window you can sometimes smell his room when you come in the house.



He is 25! This is an old problem; I'm desperate.

You do not have a parenting problem you have a tenant problem. You don't like how your tenant keeps your property. You can instruct the tenant to leave or find a simple solution regarding offensive odors by having them install a HEPA air filter for $150 and a spring on the door to close it so odors are confined to that room.

The problem is that you think you have a parenting issue.

Phillip Allen
11-05-2009, 04:08 PM
most cities have ordanances covering unsanitary homes/property...call and ask. Now, present him with the information and levy the same correctives that the city would (you being the mayor)

Captain Blight
11-05-2009, 05:11 PM
When I was 23 and at home, Dad solved the problem by carting my crap out to the driveway and turning the hose on it. Clothes, books, bedding, everything. Then he piled it in my car.

I got the message.

Bill Griffin
11-05-2009, 05:17 PM
Bribe the nearest Marine recriuter, ship his @$$ off to Parris Island. Might not clean the room up but at least it will be in formation.

Phillip Allen
11-05-2009, 06:51 PM
When I was 23 and at home, Dad solved the problem by carting my crap out to the driveway and turning the hose on it. Clothes, books, bedding, everything. Then he piled it in my car.

I got the message.

WOW...impressive...so, do you bathe now?

Captain Blight
11-05-2009, 06:52 PM
WOW...impressive...so, do you bathe now?
It's taken me 15 years, but I've finally got over my fear of hot water falling on my head.

Q: Where's the best place to hide $50 from a hippie?
A: Under the soap!!

Phillip Allen
11-05-2009, 06:54 PM
:) .

Bruce Hooke
11-05-2009, 07:08 PM
I'll preface this by saying I don't have any children...adult or otherwise.

That said, I am of the opinion that it is his room and he can keep it the way he wants to, until such time as his actions start to impact the rest of the household, which, if there is an odor problem they clearly do.

Would some sort of a bargain work where you agree to not bug him about cleaning his room as long as he keeps it sufficiently clean to prevent odor problems?

Is the odor problem from dirty clothes or old food? If the latter I would be more worried as food left around can attract cockroaches and suchlike.

Nanoose
11-05-2009, 07:14 PM
At 25, he needs to be taught that independence and self-reliance are important. I'm surprised he still wants to live at home! Time to move out and get on with his life. Cut the apron strings, give him a hug, and say, "Bye, bye."

(It's YOUR home, and as soon as it's not working for YOU, it's bye-bye time.)

seanz
11-05-2009, 07:14 PM
He works and pays 18% of his income for room and board.
It is my position this does not entitle him to live like a pig. If he doesn't open his window you can sometimes smell his room when you come in the house.



He is 25! This is an old problem; I'm desperate.

Screw his door shut and remove the windows.....

John B
11-05-2009, 07:17 PM
He'll be fine when he hits 30.

capt jake
11-05-2009, 07:19 PM
He works and pays 18% of his income for room and board.
It is my position this does not entitle him to live like a pig. If he doesn't open his window you can sometimes smell his room when you come in the house.



He is 25! This is an old problem; I'm desperate.

I feel for you, and there is no single correct response or answer. I tried numerous different tactics with one of mine, but I finally got fed up and gave him the boot. He has a problem with alcohol and respecting the 'rules'. He violated the rules of the house one too many times and I finally had enough.

He floundered for a while, got in trouble once again; but now he is moving forward with his life and is staying out of trouble (so far at least).

Make your expectations clearly understood. You also have to impose consequences, also make those clearly understood.

Good luck, because it can be a very uncomfortable road to travel.

brad9798
11-05-2009, 07:31 PM
For 18% of his income, he should be able to rent a room in a number of locales! ;)

Phillip Allen
11-05-2009, 08:03 PM
He'll be fine when he hits 30.

that's not always true...I wish it were...my two sons are 40 and 35...at least they don't live with me

rufustr
11-05-2009, 08:59 PM
It's simple.

If the situation would not be tolerated by a landlord, you should not tolerate it either.

Give him the rules, and if he doesn't comply, evict him.

A lesson in life.

He has to learn that lesson somewhere sometime.

ishmael
11-05-2009, 09:35 PM
"Home is where when you have to go there, they have to let you in."

Frost

As said above, it's his room and he should be allowed to do whatever he wants to inside it -- within reason. Some people are slobs, without rhyme or reason. But if it's starting to stink you have a right, just like any other landlord, to tell him to either clean it up or get out. Tough, because he's your son, so things get ambiguous.

I'm not one who thinks the arrangement is inherently wrong. For centuries, two and three generations have lived under the same roof. But they've got to pull their own weight, and respect each other, or it doesn't work. By being a stinky slob he's disrespecting you and the household. Tell him to either clean it up, or get out.

elf
11-05-2009, 09:46 PM
I'd give him 60 days to leave and take his stuff with him.

Based on trying for 10 years to keep a pig from filling every corner of the house with unsorted stuff, and failing, I'd say you never will get change in the behavior, although you may get the message through.

So just tell him it's time for him to move on.

jack grebe
11-05-2009, 09:55 PM
Give him the addresses of all the utilities and
directions to the local grocery store.....then
move yourself.

cbcc
11-05-2009, 10:09 PM
How do you get a 25 year old male "adult live at home" to clean his room?

If he's an adult you shouldn't have to ask him to clean his room. Hell, if he was really an adult at 25, he wouldn't be living with you.

Michael s/v Sannyasin
11-05-2009, 10:30 PM
Well, my first thought was, if you've bargained with him to pay rent, then he has rights to his 'space'. So suck it up, as long as he keeps his door closed. Or, you should make the communal 'rules' clear. He can accept them or not (and not move, or move respectively).

But, then I thought, why not just introduce him to a nice girl?

jonboy
11-06-2009, 05:33 AM
[quote=Michael s/v Sannyasin;2376854

But, then I thought, why not just introduce him to a nice girl?[/quote]


The 'nice girl' is either going to be a saint or have no standards either, then you'll have two pigs in the sty....

Have you actually, seriously face to face confronted him on this...? a lot of hand wringing and wailing goes on on these pages...if you have and he refuses to see the problem evict him, if he has any kind of excuse even if it's don't want to, or don't have the time, get in a professional cleaner once a week and put the rent up.
Then evict him.

G.Sherman
11-06-2009, 07:35 AM
20 a week!!!

I paid 50 a week in '85. And that was with a job. If I went to school then room was free, otherwise 50 a week. Glad they did it too. You learn to grow up fast. Bought my first home two years later at 21.

Believe me, this kid hears $20 and thinks $100! I could be a prick about it, but would like to keep the relationship with her mom. The day I shove the kid's ass out the door will be the relationship killer.:eek:

Mrleft8
11-06-2009, 09:54 AM
Flame thrower, heavy duty rubber gloves, full face positive pressure respirator, industrial cleanser/solvent, hazmat dumpster outside the window, roll of yellow CAUTION tape.

McMike
11-06-2009, 10:06 AM
It's simple.

If the situation would not be tolerated by a landlord, you should not tolerate it either.

Give him the rules, and if he doesn't comply, evict him.

A lesson in life.

He has to learn that lesson somewhere sometime.


This is exactly how you need to put it. Itís not about money as much as itís about respect for you and your home. When they turn 18, your home is no longer theirs in the same way it was when they were children. You have a right to whatever rules you want. While clean is a relative term, anything that encourages the growth of mold and mildew in not clean.

Mike McKien

gert
11-06-2009, 10:11 AM
For 18% of his income, he should be able to rent a room in a number of locales this includes laundry, meals, lite house keeping (emptying garbage and returning dishes to kitchen by mom) shop privileges etc. He is not hard done by.


Have you actually, seriously face to face confronted him on this...? About 3 times a year when it gets out of hand; he always agrees that I'm right; but kids have a way of zoning you out when you start on your rant for the 100th time.


The day I shove the kid's ass out the door will be the relationship killer And then theres that part of the equasion...

mmd
11-06-2009, 10:31 AM
Well, it takes two to tango (or issue ultimatums). Threats of draconian measures are all well and good, but it takes resolve on behalf of the issuer to carry through with the ultimatum if the conditions are not met. That is usually very hard for a parent. So, issue an ultimatum by proxy...

Hire a housecleaner to come in one day per week to clean his room (his rent will pay for it). Tell him that his untidy room and reluctance to do anything about it has brought this about. Instruct the housecleaner to throw out anything that is on the floor or not properly stowed. Refuse to do laundry unless he brings it to the laundry room. After a short while the dirty clothes will overflow his laundry basket, land on the floor, and the housecleaner will throw them out. Has he got a TV in his room? Suspend the cable service to the whole house for a month or two (you know you can deal with this, right?). Does he use the internet? Limit the connections in the house to your computer only - and tell him that the cost of his maid has forced you to cut back on these services. In a couple of weeks he will begin to catch on that there is a penalty for sloppiness, and you will not have been the bad guy who threw his stuff out and made his life less... full.

elf
11-06-2009, 10:48 AM
this includes laundry, meals, lite house keeping (emptying garbage and returning dishes to kitchen by mom) shop privileges etc. He is not hard done by.

He's 25 and his mother is still doing his laundry?????

Sounds like it's her problem.

Maybe you should be the one moving out...

ishmael
11-06-2009, 11:25 AM
There's a book on the topic of adults who refuse to take on adult responsibilities, "Puer Aeturnus, by Marie Louis Von Franz. Roughly translated the title means eternal youth. There have been a lot of popular books written about the so-called Peter Pan complex since that book was published in I want to say 1965, but it's the best that I've read. The first half of the book is really good, the second where she deconstructs "The Little Prince" not so much.

Von Franz was one of Jung's main pupils, but her writing is blessedly free of jargon. A tough lady who pulled no punches.

So what is going on with young adults these days? I know when I turned eighteen I couldn't wait to get out of the family homestead and try my new wings. Except for a brief stint in my mid-twenties when I was deathly ill, which forced me back home, and holidays, I never looked back.

I'm not at all sure there is "normal" around these issues. Like I said, people have made all manner of living arrangements over the years, including unmarried young people living under the same roof with their elders.

My aunt, my father's sister, lived under the same roof from the time she was born until the day she died. She'd been jilted at the alter and never got over it, so there was a bit of strangeness there, but she and my grandmother had an arrangement that worked out well for both. Sometimes it can be copacetic, but not if the young'un is taking advantage, which sounds like what is happening here. I mean, com'on, the young man isn't doing his own laundry!? And your wife, Gert, is putting up with that!?

Time to crack the whip! LOL.

Andrew Craig-Bennett
11-06-2009, 11:45 AM
I thought this thread was about the mental age of Blige denizens.

However, having disabused myself, I suggest that the puer aeternus is possibly the result of "helicopter parenting" - a very common thing, these days.

I heard a discussion of this on the radio this morning in which a University administrator mentioned that one new student had been accompanied by a parent who slept on the floor in the student's room for the first three days of term and spent the whole time demanding this, that and the other - only when the parent left did the student heave a sigh of relief and turn out to be perfectly normal.

It seems that it is now commonplace for parents to fill in University application forms and to accompany their brats to University interviews!

The last place I wanted to be was under my parents roof - for the simple reason that, whilst I did like having my washing done and getting fed, I was not going to get laid. QED! :rolleyes:

ishmael
11-06-2009, 12:52 PM
Have a gander at Von Franz's "Puer Aeturnus" Andrew. I don't consider myself well read, though I read a lot, and that book is in my top ten.

The problem she outlines is quite serious. If people when they become adults don't take on the challenges of adulthood, we are all going to be in the soup. Another book, not quite so good, is Bly's "The Sibling Society." Same theme, from a man's perspective.

I think you're correct, there is a hovering over young people coming to adulthood that is unprecedented in modern history. Sleeping on the floor in your boy's dorm room when he's off to college!? Because the poor child has never been without his mamma!? I get a little sick to my stomach.

I grew up with a bit doting mother, and a good if a bit distant father, and they both knew when it was time to let me go. Bless their hearts. It was difficult for my mother because I was the youngest and she'd built much of her self-image around her boys. But off you go, youngest son. Godspeed.

Andrew Craig-Bennett
11-06-2009, 12:55 PM
Thanks for the recommendation, Jack. I will do so.

"Helicopter parenting" is a real problem here in contemporary Britain.

Kaa
11-06-2009, 01:06 PM
"Helicopter parenting" is a real problem here in contemporary Britain.

I watched parents of a girl -- a girls-only Catholic high school senior -- slowly come to the realization that when their pure little darling goes off to college, they will no longer be able to look for boys under her bed, demand that she gets home by 9pm, etc. etc.

It was funny :D

Kaa

John Smith
11-06-2009, 01:47 PM
He'll be fine when he hits 30.
I woldn't bet on that.

LeeG
11-06-2009, 02:00 PM
this includes laundry, meals, lite house keeping (emptying garbage and returning dishes to kitchen by mom) shop privileges etc. He is not hard done by.

About 3 times a year when it gets out of hand; he always agrees that I'm right; but kids have a way of zoning you out when you start on your rant for the 100th time.

And then theres that part of the equasion...

Hey, 3 times a year isn't bad for a kid. With teenagers it's about every week and equally ineffective if there are no rewards or consequences.

My suggestion, assuming this is not your kid or the mom is intractable is to be aware of your mental state and take vacations three times a year when you feel the desperation building thereby leaving the mom to enjoy his company.

It doesn't sound like you have any leverage in the situation. My sister said something to me once when I was experiencing a desperate domestic situation. "What you do now is laying the foundation for what happens later, do you want this to become a permanent part of your life? If you don't make a decision to change it it probably will as long as you live here"

ishmael
11-06-2009, 02:29 PM
"It doesn't sound like you have any leverage in the situation."

Huh? Sure he does, it's his and his wife's home. No one wants to toss a kid in need, but Gert has got the leverage. Shape up or ship out.

When I was eighteen -- going on twelve that night -- my brother and I got drunk and decided to challenge our parent's authority. We were together not at home but at a cottage on a lake.

I don't remember the issues, but before the night was over we had big Smokey Bear sort of State Troopers replete with starched uniforms and big hats, to the cottage. No threatened violence, nothing like that, so the troopers were probably very bored by this domestic dispute.

I remember the guy in charge saying, "Well, boys, you are legal adults, but if you choose to get in your car and drive we will pull you over, because you are drunk."

That took the wind out of our sails.

Not one my prouder moments.

elf
11-06-2009, 03:05 PM
About 3 times a year when it gets out of hand; he always agrees that I'm right.
A 25 year old is not a kid. Kid-dom ends around 16 or so. This person is an adult.

Who is keeping him from having to behave like one?

I'm not sure it's you, Gert.

But I do know you have to take the situation up with the person who is. And the result might not be very happy.

Captain Blight
11-06-2009, 05:13 PM
I watched parents of a girl -- a girls-only Catholic high school senior -- slowly come to the realization that when their pure little darling goes off to college, they will no longer be able to look for boys under her bed, demand that she gets home by 9pm, etc. etc.

It was funny :D

Kaa
I really, really liked meeting those girls after they realized Dad wasn't going to be tucking her in that night....

LeeG
11-06-2009, 05:24 PM
"It doesn't sound like you have any leverage in the situation."

Huh? Sure he does, it's his and his wife's home. No one wants to toss a kid in need, but Gert has got the leverage. Shape up or ship out.

.

The guy is 25yrs old and gets room service. I'm suggesting Gert recognize the reality he has. Every few months he has to tell the man to clean his room. It's a reality he's settled into and will settle with for as long as the man gets such a stellar deal in housing. I wouldn't feel desperate about telling someone to do something every four months.

Yeadon
11-06-2009, 05:48 PM
Take the door off his room. I hereby admit to having done this, and that it works.
:D




Q: Where's the best place to hide $50 from a hippie?
A: Under the soap!!


"Home is where when you have to go there, they have to let you in."

Frost


All solid thoughts.

gert
11-06-2009, 05:50 PM
telling someone to do something every four months

I think what bugs me mostly is "why should I have to?" His mom doesn't want to be his "maid" and who would?

I pick up after my self, put my dishes away and clean my shop as required; and there he's OK, he keeps his portion of the shop clean, just not his room. Honest, some days you can barely open the door to his room for the laundry on the floor.


Who is keeping him from having to behave like one? I am by letting him live at home. Adulthood starts when you walk into your own residence, open the fridge, discover it's empty, check your wallet and see that it's also empty, just like your stomach. Pay day is a week away and the car's gas tank is on empty.

This develops "character" ;)

Problem is also that I like his company...

LeeG
11-06-2009, 05:55 PM
you don't sound that desperate anymore

bwd
11-06-2009, 06:28 PM
Stop this nonsense, taking his income as "rent."

If he has income to pay rent, encourage him to do so independently like other folks, or make him save it so someday he can own instead of rent.

You will do this because you want him to succeed.
He has to eventually, sooner or later you will be gone!

Don't do any chores for him.
Make him do chores instead of "paying rent."
Let him know things have to be the way you want, it's your house.
If you depend on him emotionally, deal with your issues.
If you depend on him financially, you then have a whole different set of problems.

Either way, best luck.

Ron Williamson
11-06-2009, 06:47 PM
Gert and the Mrs. might consider walking around nekkid until they get the desired results,assuming that they don't walk around nekkid already.

I've found the best way to manipulate my kids into doing what I want,is to start doing things that they don't like, until their behaviour changes.
R