Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

[Wild Dingo]

Well so theres tales abounding some true as the sun shining above me noggin and some well some are just plane bullshyte... okay then there are those that are somewhat of an elaboration of the truth with some fine embellishments thrown in for flavor

Now me as you all well know I ALWAYS tells just the truth never bullshyte and never embellish a good yarn... so with no futher adoo I will regale yer with a wee yarn of such magnitude as to stun the eyebrows of yer take the nickers right of the nearest sheila type and make all yous blokes quiver at the knee joints... easy feat really since all your knee joints are arthritic and sorta crumbly anyways

Now get yerselves a nice hot cuppa or a nice cold ale or in the case of old dad a nice tipple or three of Vodka... hey hang on a tick and I'll join you!!!

So all settled in? goodoh then so the yarn goes like this....

[Phillip Allen]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

got the cup...

[Bob (oh, THAT Bob)]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

"When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another..."

Oh, sorry, wrong fairy tale. Carry on.

[Wild Dingo]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

Rightio!! now were was I??


Oh right! Yarns both true and bullshyte eh?

Well now I was thinkin when I started this to spi... eeer tell you all a yarn from me recent nefarious journey to the realms of rightsideupland but well I can see from the few who bespake me to tell the yarn that they wouldst prefer perchance a yarn of more energy vibrancy and urgency that such as me boring wanderings in the far of lands?

So to that end I shall start...










...













soon??

[Mrleft8]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

The shortest Dingo post in history......

[Wild Dingo]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

The shortest Dingo in history

The dingo history

[Wild Dingo]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

Ahem...

Right...

Where the blazes was I?

Oh right a yarn!!! Beauty havent told a yarn for yonks... okay then which one?? mmmm theres that one about old Dad and the dreaded lawn tractor... nah... then theres that one about Mum and... nah better not!... what about that one with Doug an the bloody great gun that scared the rust of the jag in his backyard and made me run inside to change me duds? nah been done Shane... mmm what about the one about young Paige the waitress in Myrtle Beach? nah been done already dopey... mmm a new one then? RIGHT!!!


Okay then settle in fellas!!

Now this yarn is a true totally without embellishments or elaboration I know cause it happened to me... just the other night in fact!

Right so there I was relaxin as I do now adays sittin around having a vodka while everyone else is suckin down the cats phiss they call beer and is loosely accepted as such by the untravelled non jetsetters such as meownself... anyways it was gettin on to tucker time when of a sudden one of the dopey buggars alights on the idea of going to one of the hotshot snappy rich boys restaurants at one of the flash whacketty dak resorts that litter this town like so much crap and crud... but well by that time quite a substantial amount of alcohol had been consumed... 6 vodkas!! for me I was nigh on phissed as a clicket by then!! but what the hell new life and all that may as well up and into it!

So off we go... quick shower get some snazzier board shorts on some clean thongs (ala flip flops) and a more cleaner than any other t shirt on a bit of shower in a can and grab up the wallet and away we go... Now I gotta tell you its a mere 5 minute walk to this place from my place so an easy stroll... but we will get to that part as we go along... so anyways there me, mad mick the prick *no dont change that its his name!!* theres toffy nosed brit young stephanie (steph for short) Kevin the wierdest wired dude you will find south of Maine (actually he'd do real well up there) his missus Suella the one NO ONE messes with if they have an affinity with their gronicles... and a bunch of no hopin hippy yippee yaya types who had loitered long enough to cadge an invite from Kevin... who by the way needs a kickin fair in the gronicles for inviting them but who is dearly loved by Suella and therefore safe from any form of retribution

So off we go... a motley crew if ever there was one... now 5 minutes turned into 10 which in turn turned into 15 which of course couldnt be left out and turned into 30 yeah skipped the 20 and 25 minute mark due to some stupid galah who decided he was tarzan and clambered onto the roof of the local shop and us bein the kind hearted souls we were rang the local whollopers and waited for them to come take him away for the night... astute as always all signs of street drinking which we were... heavily... were hidden in the nearest garden... once gone we continued on our way to our now late reservation at said posh whacketty dak restaurant

So we find the place after much arguing on various street corners between the dopey hippy yippie yayas who didnt have a clue what a restaurant was let alone this flash ones location but were stoned and drunk enough to argue the point with any and all comers

So I wander off on me ownsome which Im wont to do now and again and of course I find it... by now Mad Mick the prick (do not change that as its his name!!!) had managed by some strange mystical method to catch up to me and so we shared a smoke and another couple of wee drinkeepoos while we waited for the others... now I was already 6 sheets to the wind and Mad Mick the prick (do not change that as its his name!) was 6 sheets to the wind before breakfast so he was well gone... I decided to take charge of the situation before he lost the plot altogether and fell in a heap at my feet which was more than on the cards as even I was starting to feel slightly sea sick watching him weave back an forth... so I muttered "fluck this mate lets go eat in this shack"... "huh? wassat? oooh yesh good idea I'll be in that" and so we entered the hallowed halls of the poshest eating establishment in Broome

Two well plastered young studleys full of sass an cheek... well I was Mad Mick the prick (do not change that as its his name!!) was incapable of a solid fart let alone standing straight or chattin a sheila up... now something happens to me when I walk into one of them fancy shmanshy places and Im well past the yardarm and falling over the side... I SOBER UP!!!... seriously! one minute Im havin trouble seeing two foot in front of me and the next HELLO! im ridgey didge sober as a sludge... err judge that is sober as a judge

Anyway I wander in... oh we dont do the welcome lady thing here either... we just wander in and find the nearest sober looking uniformed idiot and tell em were here... so this wee nob stuck up know it all his poop dont stink type wakker looks us over and mutters something sounding much like "glad to see you gentlemen I will take you to your table follow me" but in some other language... and so he walks like hes got half a dozen dates stuck up his rectum out toward the pool where the flash seats were and our table was setup

Now theres a thing about Mad Mick the prick (dont change that its his name!!) and that is IF theres even a hint of a bar within 10 nautical miles of his nose he has only one direction... yep the bar!!... and of course I bein me couldnt let me mate whos so drunk he cant fart straight to his own divices so I wander over with him until were both leant against the bar propping it up and oggling the sexiest barmaid since I left Myrtle beach and the ministrations of young Paige the hottest waitress in North Carolina... uuummm errr right propping the bar!!

"whatchahavinmate?" asks Mad Mick the prick (dont... ahh buggar it you know the drill) to which the barmaid takes a second to try to decipher and fails so looks at me "Yes sir" she says with a drop dead knock yer jocks of at ten paces look okay so Im speachless for about 2.4 nano seconds and seein me chance I leap... no not physically but we will get to that in due course... "I'll have a double vodka and lemonade in a small glass... no smaller gotta be able to taste it love... yeah that shot glass is perfect cheers... and he... mmm hang on a tic" I bend down and pull mad mick the prick up by the scruff of the neck "and he will have a double scotch an coke thanks"... she looks at me weird like "you sure hes not too drunk sir Im not allowed to serve drunks" I look at her as though she slapped me "DRUNK? MICK?... " I let go of his collar and let him drop to the floor where he begins a raging corous of burping farting and singing and lean closer to this young thing "Love look Micks got problems hes special you know?" tapping the side of my head and nodding "do you mean...??" I look down at him slobbering over my thong (flip flop for yous mob) and look back at her sadly "yeah love we dont like to say it too loud cause well he gets right funny when someone makes an issue of it you know?" she nods and makes the drinks I get out my wallet and go to pay "no sir thats on the house poor thing" mmm I think interesting... pocket my wallet smile and kick Mad Mick the prick in the gronicles and make my way to the smoking area.. yeah I havent yet managed to give up

back in a tic!

[Wild Dingo]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

Right so there I was sittin on the highest bar stool in captivity wondering if there really are giants in Broome and watching Mad Mick the prick making his way over to his drink... which I was holding under the table so he could scent it and find his way over... now something most dont know about Mick is that hes got this problem that becomes a real issue for him when hes plastered... he wobbles A LOT... so anyway he makes it to the table just as I head back to the bar for a refill... no he was slow getting there!... and I thought no wukkers he'll just sit under the table and slowly drink his drink... yeah right!

Anyway just as the girls about to make me my drink theres an almighty crash a major shattering of glass and an unholey scream... from the doors!!!... I turned and looked and quickly grabbed the girl and said "GET MY DRINK NOW PLEASE!!" and with a worried but meek "yessir" she made my drink... but slipped and made it a quadripple vodka no lemonade... god but it was HOT!!!... anyway I dropped that back and ordered another then slowly made my way over to where the screaming and moaning was coming from... just as the ambos and whollopers arrived... I took a quick look and knew exactly what to do... I grabbed Kevin and Suella by the scruffs which in Suellas case proved interesting as shes got the hugest pair of boob twins in capitivity of which after I grabbed her they no longer were... and dragged them over to the table and sauntered back to the bar drank my drink and ordered another along with a champane for Suella and a "beer" for Kevin and took a glance at Mad Mick the pricks drink noticed a glazed look in his eyes and got him anothery as well... strewth I tell yer what its hard bein the only sober one in a crowd!!

Anyway I take the drinks over and put them in front of the gruesome threesome and make my way over to the door... or rather whats left of it... where I was promptly acosted by a rather nancy looking sheila cop demanding what I knew about "the hell mess here"... I looked at her and thought mmmm without the uniform youd be a bit of mmmm alright not as cute as the barmaid but... and then at the remains of the doors the several cut and battered hippy yippee yaya types layin in various states of mess "what can I tell yer love" yes we call our sheila cops love here no worries... well I do... and she demands in her pert nancy type voice "sir do you know these... these... " I waited then suggested helpfully "doors? nope never seen them before tonight they were bloody nice doors to when I came in not so nice now though eh" she looked up at me "SIR" I smiled my sexiest smile the one I reserve for sexy sheilas in uniform "yep?" "Sir do you know..." "the windows? nope cant say as I do why have they done something to annoy you? I sure hope not!" "SIR!!" now as always one wolloper does not attend these functions alone and about now her offsnider rocks over... ooh here we go thinks I quick as a flash Ive got this wally sussed... "RIGHT WHATS GOING ON HERE THEN?" he booms from his skyscraping knee banging height of 4ft 0in about groin level methinks be interesting in a scrap "nothin mate your offsider here was asking me some pretty silly questions given that theres a couple of hippy idiots layin in the glass" "SHUT UP!" "no worries I'll just head back to my drink then" and I saunter off to the bar where I just knew my barmaid would have a drink ready... "HEY!! GET BACK HERE!!" I kept walking smiling at the barmaid who I had sussed as well as there was a nice cold glass of vodka just waiting for me "Cheers love" I said as I drank it down "no worries you want another?" "why not?" and so she makes me another and Im standing there minding my own business just begining to wonder what Kevin Suella and Mad Mick the prick were up to when...

SPACE INVASION!!!

[Wild Dingo]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

Yep... I felt it... that feeling of overcrowding when you just know some wanker has stepped too close to your air space... god I just hate that... even more so when Im 89 sheets to the wind and its increasing to cyclone force... So thinking it could be anyone and no one in particular I do what I always do when that happens without turning I say real quiet "FLUCK OFF OR ARSEUP YOU GO SPORT" the bar maid eyes got real huge real quick and her head was doing 90 to the dozen to and fro... mmmm this could be interesting bet its that bloody copper I think and slowly finish my drink and nod to the barmaid for anothery thinking this is gonna take a fair whack of my brain cells to extricate myself from without having to spend time in the Broome lockup... So I turn slowly around and with my most disarming smile look straight into the... nothing!! So I start to turn around again and then something makes me turn around again and look downward... yep there was the cop

"Put your hands out I am arresting you" I look down at him "your kidding right mate?" he glares up at me "I dont kid on duty sir now put your hands out NOW" "nope" and I turn around... now that really should have been the end of it but no it was about then that Mad Mick the prick decided to go swimming... now Mad Mick the prick is a nudist of some note why the lad cant stand pants and drops them wherever and whenever he can no excuses needed just down daks and walk on... so it was about then we heard a mighty "FLLLLLLLUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK AAAAAAAAA DDDDDDDUUUUUCKKKKKK" and a whopping great splash... of course every head turned to the sound other than me who knew exactly what had happened and took the time and opportunity to make myself another drink... and drink it... by which time the girl had gathered her sences and seeing my empty glass began making me a new one! MAN AM I GONNA BE PHISSED TONIGHT! screamed my mind with a huge grin...

I turned and watched as the two coppers raced over to the pool and started yelling for Mad Mick the prick to "GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE NOW!" at which point Kevin decided that he could no longer abide being on the stool he was perched on and slid in a thundering great heap under the table this of course meant that his offside leg bashed against the stool that Suella was daitily and very unmodestly was perched upon resting her head on the table at the time meant that not only did the chair go out from under her amply butt cheeks but that the table also went the opposite direction to her body... which seemed to majickally draw itself down and onto Kevin...

"man Im glad I came to work tonight!" said the barmaid "glad we could give you some entertainment can I get another one please" "no worries its on me!" "cheers sweetheart" "they friends of yours?" "bloody oath love great mates" "theyre funny buggars eh?" I looked over at the pool and noticed that Mad Mick the prick was now swimming frantically around the pool while the shiela cop was running on the outside "oooh come on in love I'll only tickle you a little bit" he was yellin as he chased her "GET OUT OF THE POOL NOW SIR!!" yelled the midget "Bloody mozzies buggar of before I squish yer... come on in love the waters bloody cold as ice and I need some warming up" at which point he arcs upward and pointed down toward gronicle avenue "SEE!!!" at which point said sheila type cop races out the door and into the patrol car "ah shyte thats no good" says Mad Mick the prick "Sir get out of the pool now I am arresting you for indecent exposure" Mad Mick the prick looks at the cop then at the other patrons back at the cop "your flucking kidding mate" "No sir get out of the pool" "Nope buggar you" "GET OUT OF THE POOL" "or what? you'll come get me? COME ON THEN WANKER!"

mmmm Im begining to think maybe I should go untangle Kevin and Suella before they realize that one of them is on top of the other and begin thinking those thoughts... well it is a public restaurant... so I down my drink order another turn and...

Land flat on my face on the floor!!... "FOR CHRIST SAKE WHO CUT MY FEET OFF???" I yelled... I mean I had feet that worked with my legs when I arrived I know I did... I turn and look down at the rough location of their once abode south of my knee caps... mmm theyre still there I try wriggling them... nothing just flopping jelly... mmm this is not looking good I think and look up at the bar then at the opening through which the bar maid was racing "here let me help you you must have slipped or something" and as she hoisted my arm over her shoulder I muttered "or something called too much vodka" which she totally misunderstood "oh you want another vodka let me just sit you down and get you one... on the house sir" RIGHTIO THEN!!! I am loving this restaurant

I look over at Kevin and Suella both still snoring happily although Kevins left leg had a strange look about it you know really REALLY bent... the wrong way... and Suella had this strange smile on her face well it could have been from having her head in gronicle regions but who knows with sheilas? So I figured they were okay for now and looked over at the pool

The cop had given up by now huffing and puffing from doing laps around the pool shouting at Mad Mick the prick to get out of the pool so he could arrest him... finally Mick yelled across at me "OY!! DIPSTICK!!!" I look at him blankly "YEAH YOU!!!" I point at me and look around "GET ME A BLOODY DRINK WILL YER AND MAKE IT A BLOODY DOUBLE!! ME KNUTS ARE IN ME THROAT AND I NEED TO MAKE EM GO HOME" I nod and look at the bar maid "you get that order love?" she grinned "yes sir maybe I should take it to him?" I looked at her then at Mad Mick then back at her and shook my head "I think maybe we should get someone else to deliver it eh?" "no its fine sir I will do it hes harmless by now" and she giggled... mmmm well I did warn her I thought "well if your gonna deliver it can you just leave the bottle of Vodka here were I can get it please?" she gave me a strange look but nodded

Now old Mad Mick the prick has two nicknames first of course is Mad Mick the prick cause hes a damned grumpy buggar most of the time and the others Mad Mick the donkeyd..k and not without good reason... but I had tried to warn the poor girl... I tried again I did turned to the bloke laughin his head of on the stool next to me "mate look I know Mick real well and mate? really this wee pretty little bar maid shouldnt be going anywhere near him when hes both drunk and naked would you mind taking his drink over for her?" he looked at me gulped down his drink "Your bloody kidding mate! I wouldnt miss this for quids!! funniest night Ive had in years"... now if my feet had come back to me I would have delivered it myself seriously I even thought about dropping to the floor and crawling over there with it just so she didnt... but no she heard his scream "GEDDADRINKINNAMEYERFLAMINMONGREL" and was off like... like... like a lamb to the slaughter

Micks eyes lit up like the twin towers memorial at midnight as he saw this gorgeous little barmaid hot footing it in his direction "SHANE YER A FLUCKIN LEGEN MATE!! I OWE YER ONE" he yelled at me I nodded and took another drink not game to watch what I knew would be coming when she got within rage... A small scream and "SPLASH!!" "YOU BLOODY LITTLE BEAUTY!!" came Mad Micks yell of triumph!

hang on a tic

[Wild Dingo]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

Now anyone would think by now that the cop would have done something... well actually he did... he walked out and got into the car and the pair of them drove away must be a major criminal thing happening in town to cause them to leave now I thought and reached over to get the bottle she had left for me "AAAAAHHHHHHHHH HELP!!" yep someones gonna have to do something wonder who thats gonna be I think as I down another vodka... mmm cant feel my knees now... damn you Dad this vodka stuffs the ducks knuts... anyway

I turned and looked back at the pool... now people used to reckon that young swimmer fella could swim pretty fast.. but me I reckon that wee barmaid would have blown him completely out of the water... she was hurlin through the pool faster than any rocket launch... trouble was Mad Mick the prick had hold of her skirt... and was laughing his head off... I managed to get the bottle in my hand and asked the other barmaid to give me a bottle of whisky she looked at me weird like and asked "why sir you have the vodka" "yeah I know that but Mick drinks Whisky and sweetheart IF you ever want to see your wee mate again you just need to give me a bottle of Whisky" her mouth forms a perfect "o" as she looks over at the pool... "you right to get it there sir?" "well I aint gonna let you go anywhere near that pool while Micks in there bad enough that cutie went there let alone two of you old Mick will think all his chrissys had come at once" She glanced over my shoulder at the pool and quickly handed me a bottle as Micks roar went up "REEL EM IN MICKYBOY REEL EM IN"

I slid of the stool slithered along the floor wriggled over Suella and Kevins bodies and slipped through the uprights of the pool fence... man was I ever phissed Id never been able to do that before! maybe it was the thought of Mad Mick the prick ala donkeyd..k reeling that tiny cute barmaid in that did it... whatever the reason I made it in double quick time still holding the whisky bottle in one hand and the vodka bottle in the other "Oy Mick yer mad buggar look what Ive got mate" "REEL EM IN MICKYBOY YOUR RIGHT TONIGHT!!" "Mick... ooooh Mick... HEY WANKER!!!" he stopped dead still in the water the wee sheila squeeling and thrashin around behind him her skirt or what was left of it still clenched in his right hand... that was a good thing... Mick is totally right handed cant even pick his nose left handed... I held the unopened bottle of whisky up in the air "Let the fishy go Micky... let her go mate" He went a bit haywire then head goin back an forth like a threshin machine you could see it in his eyes "whisky... woman... whisky... woman etc etc" I opened the bottle and tilted it slightly... a tear rolled down his cheek... I HAD HIM!!!

"Micky mate you let that little fishy go or I pour it out okay?" his head was drooping... "thats it brother let her go... look at all this booze you got for nothing... its all yours Mickey just let her go" he looked at me with this hang dog look on his dial and let go the skirt... and the girl flew across the pool out of the water and over the fence!! gone whooosh!... man did she ever bolt!

So I lead Mick around to the steps so he could get out... mind you Id forgotten about the other customers... yep they were still there all dressed to the nines ladeda like... Mick stepped up onto the first step just as the sirens went of... WHAT THE HELL NOW? my mind screamed as I kept working on getting Mick out of the pool what exactly I was going to do with the buggar once he was out was not a thought that passed through my mind at that point... "GET THE HELL OUT OF THE POOL YOU ARE UNDER ARREST" oooh shyte

So there we are Kevin and Suella oblivious under the table bodies entwined in drunken stupor... me laying flat out without any legs or feet by this time and incapable of standing even if Id wanted to which I didnt I was comfy layin there no worries... and Mad Mick donkeyd..k standing stark naked in all his fornominal glory reaching for the bottle of whisky in my hand "I SAID STAY STILL! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST" funny thing about whisky and Mick its a real powerful thing... so he just keeps coming up and out of the pool and reaches down and takes the bottle from my hand opens it and drinks half of it down in one famished gulp

I heard a multitude of gasps followed by a smattering of "oooohhhh"s and "aaaaaaahhhhhhhh" followed by on womans shriek "OH MY FLUCKING GOD IS THAT FOR REAL?" mmm Micks out of the water I think and lift my head up... yep... I shake my head and slither my way back to the bar at least there Im safe I think

"WHAT FOR?" Mick yells at the cop pointing his gun at him "YOUR UNDER ARREST" "yeah so flucking what? what the hell for?" "INDECENT EXPOSURE" Mick can be a right funny buggar at times... he looks around and laughs "indecent exposure? Anyone here see anything indecent?" he asks... "SIR PUT YOUR HANDS OUT IN FRONT OF YOU... NOW!!" Mick laughs and finally his eyes alight on the sheila cop quick as a wink he looks at her and stands even more proud "Well what you reckon love can you see ANYTHING indecent here?" she goes beetroot red and looks straight... well at Micks gronicle region and mutters a very small "no"

"RIGHT THEN!! No one here sees anything indecent so what evidence do you have son? None! buggar of and let a man alone to drink"... now to say the midget cop was phissed off was a hell of an understatement he glared at the sheila cop with murder in his eyes then back at Mick who was drinking the bottle of whisky "well... well... well then your under arrest for being drunk and disorderly!! Hold your hands out in front" Mick didnt miss a beat "cant drinking" that was it the whole bar/restaurant let go an almight full on crack up laugh... the cop went red stomped up and down swearing and spitting then ran out to the patrol car and drove off... Now Mick being Mick and not one to miss much unless he was totally out to it which he wasnt having just spend over an hour in a frozen pool in the middle of the night naked... he looked over at the sheila cop she looked at him... "love is in the air" as Barry Cassidy once sang.... from this point on I turned away and back to the bar for some serious vodka disposal research

Now remember if you will we actually went there for a meal... did we have a meal that night? yep sure did and by geez was it ever my turn to explode over that bloody shamozle

[Wild Dingo]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

Okay so thats the first installment of one nights goins on in Broome town

Second installment will follow after some snoring on my part

Now I want it noted that nowhere in that short missive above was the truth not told in true Aussie style nor were there any embellishments (okay maybe one... I dont drink that much really I dont) and no elaboration was entered into by any parties involved

I realize that to some of you more staid peoples my yarns seem well "over the top" and even "impossible to believe" but I tell you scouts honor (never was in the scouts but hey its usual practice to say that at times like these) Its all true!! The bullshyte yarn I'll tell you after the truth is out!!

[htom]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

Dingo's back! More, please!

[Mrleft8]

Re: Tales both true and bullshyte from beyond the black stump

Wadee say?