View Full Version : An Explanation

09-01-2009, 08:09 AM
Because of a few comments I've made recently, I feel I owe you something in the way of an explanation.
Due to the stress from being on the road and financial matters, Tonya and I have been argueing quite a bit lately. About a week and a half ago she walked out. I convinced her that we had too much together to just give up without trying to make it work. I worked to control my temper and help out more around the house. She continued to stay with a friend of hers when I was in town. I thought things were turning around and getting better. Last night I hinted that maybe she could start thinking about moving home. Her response was that she'd decided that she just wasn't interested in trying to make it work and we were through.
My last divorce destroyed me and I spent two years in counseling. I'm not going to let that happen this time. It's too painful. I'm going to move on and make a life by myself, for my daughter and me.
I'm not asking for sympathy. I just thought I owed all my imaginary friends an explanation for my recent remarks.


09-01-2009, 08:13 AM
I am so sorry dude, It sucks big time. Concentrate on the little one, all that matters in the long run. I wish you peace of mind.

Joe (SoCal)
09-01-2009, 08:15 AM
WOW Sorry PM me if you need my phone number.

Paul Pless
09-01-2009, 08:15 AM

Chris Coose
09-01-2009, 08:17 AM
Begin praying/meditating for her happiness, using as a format the same happiness that you would like to see for yourself and your daughter.
It is the best way to bypass (not ignore) the strong emotions.

09-01-2009, 08:21 AM
Very sorry to hear about your rough times. I sure hope things work out for the best.

09-01-2009, 08:34 AM
Sorry to hear that, divorce sucks.

But we're not all imaginary, give me a call if you want.


09-01-2009, 08:55 AM
aw crap. I feels like starting your whole life over again. Wishing you the best, I think you still have my e-mail, if not pm me. Having been through two I don't have any advice but will be glad to commiserate. If you need to take a break there is a shooting range and boats waiting in Colorado.

09-01-2009, 09:29 AM
Thanks for all the good wishes.
I took my ring off this morning for the first time since we got married. Very wierd feeling. I keep trying to spin my ring with my thumb and it just isn't there. I wonder if my new tan line is considered sexy?


09-01-2009, 09:33 AM
Damn Doug, I'm sorry. Don't have any good advice other than be good to your kids. But you already knew that.

Kind thoughts,


John of Phoenix
09-01-2009, 09:40 AM
Having been there myself, you have my sympathy. That said, mourn your loss, move on and get ready for a great adventure.
Best wishes on building your new future.

Wild Dingo
09-01-2009, 10:07 AM
aahh fluck a duck mate... shyte thats sucks :(

Swampy mate you got my card right? give us a hoi on the Aussie number and have a yarn eh? hard times comin... but mate if I can get there and through the other side then we both know you can!... mmm hang on a tic Im not sure you want to do what I did to get through it!!! ;) and believe you me I COULD NOT have made it without my kids and mates from THIS forum!!

Give me a hoi or send a message anytime if you dont have my email then let me know!

Damn... but keep your eye on the ball keep the sanity rolling and dont say NOTHING negative about Tonya to the little bit okay? Just like me you gotta focus everything for her (my case Josh comes to live with me in a few weeks) and remember to be kind to yourself

Your brother from another mother

Ian McColgin
09-01-2009, 10:13 AM
Very sorry.

Keith Wilson
09-01-2009, 10:23 AM
Damn! Very sorry to hear it. Tough times, for sure. :(

09-01-2009, 10:24 AM
Well Doug...Damn.

You rule your world now, man, whether Tonya says you can, or not!

Keep your chin up, ol' son.

09-01-2009, 10:39 AM
Sorry. For all of you and all that you will all have to deal with...

- M

09-01-2009, 11:13 AM
You really donít owe us an explanation.I don't get a lot of time for local friends so I made comments here. I think you all deserve to know what I'm going on about(It also looks a little saner if I explain).
Again, thanks for the good wishes. Right now I'm pretty angry with Tonya for quitting. I just got off the phone from telling her so. I also told her that when I calm down a bit that we need to sit down and talk about how we are going to do this ie.house, child support, cheapest divorce, etc. It's going to happen and I don't like it but I refuse to lose my mind ... this time around.


David G
09-01-2009, 11:15 AM

You have my sincerest condolences. I know how wrenching it can be. Lean on your friends. Take a deep breath. Meditating and prayer really do work. Don't give in the to urge to over-react. Know that life does go on, and you will be ok.

09-01-2009, 11:19 AM
So sorry, Doug. You are in my thoughts.

09-01-2009, 11:22 AM
I keep trying to spin my ring with my thumb and it just isn't there. Out of curiosity, did anyone else do this? It was such a natural thing to do when it was there and now it's ... well, wierd.
Joe? Others?


Tom Montgomery
09-01-2009, 11:56 AM
Out of curiosity, did anyone else do this? It was such a natural thing to do when it was there and now it's ... well, wierd.
Joe? Others?


I did that for quite a while. I'm sorry to hear this. Hang in there, Doug.

09-01-2009, 11:57 AM
Thanks Mike and good points but I'm not going to bet all my money on a lame horse. Taking a good look at myself is gonna' happen whether we attempt to work it out or not. Unless we're both trying though ... it ain't gonna' happen ... and she ain't trying.


John of Phoenix
09-01-2009, 12:15 PM
Make this animal dissappear if I was you.
VERY good advice.

09-01-2009, 12:21 PM
Got the t-shirt and tried to spin the absent ring. I remember how heavy it felt when it first went on. If you are ever back in R.I. give me a hoot. Remember your banjo is your friend.Best of wishes.DanL

Tom Wilkinson
09-01-2009, 12:23 PM
Thanks Mike and good points but I'm not going to bet all my money on a lame horse. Taking a good look at myself is gonna' happen whether we attempt to work it out or not. Unless we're both trying though ... it ain't gonna' happen ... and she ain't trying.


That it. If only one is willing to work it out, it ain't gonna happen. Just went through tthe same thing, she moved upstairs in January after essentially not speaking to me for 6 months. Tried counseling, she just wasn't interested. Divorce was final in may.

My only advise it to try to work out the details of you settlement, child custody arrangements etc on your own, without an attorney. If you two can work that out on your own, It can be fairly inexpensive to do.

We worked everything out o and hired an attorney to review and file the paperwork. This avoided having the lawyers pitting us against each other. We decided on a plan for our kids with their best interests in mind and managed to get it put in place with little difficulty.

We share custody with me as the primary provider. I waived shild support from her and I have the kids 4-5 days a week. Our schedules ar anything but normal so this worked out in our case.

Property settlement was easy, we decided who was getting what and drew it up. It takes a lot of cooperation to do i this way and most divorcing couples (from my experience) can't get along well enough to work oit ou on their own.

Most would say I made out like a bandit in my divorce, but we did what was in the kids best interest and I am very grateful to my ex for that because she could have really made things ugly had she wanted to. She signed away a whole lot of her material wealth so the kids could maintain a "normal" life, at least as far as where they have grown up and vacationed for their entire lives.

We spent a total of 1600.00 on attorneys fees. Several people I know that are getting or have gotten divorced spend between 20 and 40k on attorneys.

If you can settle it on your own, you will be far better off in the long run, as will your kids.

Sorry to hear about it, and good luck with it all. Mine has been tough, but once I accepted it and made the consious decision that I would not let it destroy me it became much easier. Life has been good since and it is making me a better father to my kids. My role has changed, and that has been an adjustment, but there is life after the divorce.

09-01-2009, 12:25 PM
Out of curiosity, did anyone else do this? It was such a natural thing to do when it was there and now it's ... well, wierd.
Joe? Others?


forgot that until you mentioned it. I had lost my ring gardening, ordered a replacement then found the lost one in the dirt then a couple years later we split up. Somehow I managed to lose both rings in the following years.

Doug, I wish you as many moments, seconds, minutes of respite you can find in each day. That's all there is, today.

Tom Wilkinson
09-01-2009, 12:31 PM
Out of curiosity, did anyone else do this? It was such a natural thing to do when it was there and now it's ... well, wierd.
Joe? Others?


Yup. Ring has been gone for 10 mos or so and still do it on occasion. I stil have a mark in my finger form where it was for 13 years

It will get easier.

Try to remain civil and respectful of each other. It sure as hell ain't easy to do, but it is possible.

Henning 4148
09-01-2009, 12:52 PM
All the best.

09-01-2009, 01:00 PM
I don't see any reason to pull this thread. I'm not talking her down. I'm not making any untrue statements or even talking crap about what's happened. I'm talking to my friends about what I'm going through. Yeah, I'm doing it on a public forum but as long as I'm not lying or talking her down, what's the problem? I'm angry that she gave up. Other than that, she's acting pretty sensibly.
Good to know that others have spun the missing ring. I was afraid it was just me:rolleyes:
BTW- One PM was entitled "Your Apology Thread". I have nothing to apologize for here on the forum. Any apologies I need(ed) to tender are between Tonya and myself. This thread is an explanation, not an apology.


Bruce Taylor
09-01-2009, 01:07 PM
Very sorry to hear of this, Doug. I've been in "lurk" mode, lately, so if you've posted anything that required an "explanation" I missed it.

Bruce Taylor
09-01-2009, 01:12 PM
as long as I'm not lying or talking her down, what's the problem?

You might not say anything you'll regret later, but it's hard to control what others will do and say. We've got some slimy critters skulking in the shallows here (just ask Joe).

09-01-2009, 01:20 PM
Doug, for years after Irina passed away I would do things like that, get up in the morning , make coffee and set two places at the table etc....it will take time....concentrate on the little critter....

09-01-2009, 01:23 PM
Usually there are at least three sides, I've found.

Sorry that you're going through this, Doug. Sorry for the others, too.

09-01-2009, 02:14 PM
Gotta give her space if she is wanting it ... if not, you'll do more harm than good!

I am proof that sometimes things can come back together ... but it DOES take two!

You need to understand what she is not likely ... or unhappy with.

Can you change it? More importantly- do you WANT to change it?

If the answer to either one is 'no' or 'I don't know,' it is not time to be trying to get back together!

09-01-2009, 03:25 PM
Sorry to hear of this.

The only thing i know about wimman is i will never know anything about them.

09-01-2009, 04:12 PM

I'm very sorry to hear about you and Tonya. I pray that it works out for the best.:(


09-01-2009, 06:35 PM
Again, thanks for all the kind words. I've gotten some really nice PM's as well and I appreciate the morale boost.


Flying Orca
09-01-2009, 08:15 PM
My previous response seems to have poofed, so I'll just add what everyone else has said: if you need sympathetic ears, drop me a PM. Been there and might have some ideas for coping. Hang in.

C. Ross
09-01-2009, 09:02 PM
So sorry Doug. Hope you can find a good path through this.


Bill R
09-01-2009, 09:04 PM
Sorry Doug. Been there and can sympathize.

09-01-2009, 09:08 PM
Sometimes Life lands on you with all four feet.
Good luck and happiness--you're a strong guy and you have lots of friends.

Captain Blight
09-01-2009, 10:17 PM

Aw man. That actually brought a tear to my eye. Swimpal told me a month and a half ago that she couldn't be with me any more. The devastation... was remarkable. I held it down for about a week, then one day at the library I realized I was gonna break down. barely made it back home before I lost it completely. Sobbed for about 12 hours straight, first time since I was maybe 7 that I've cried myself to sleep.

But I wrote her a letter, of all things. A letter. And she wrote back. And we continued doing that until we could talk to each other civilly. I just kept reminding myself what I'd lost, what I stood to gain, and all I had to do was swallow my pride and listen, truly listen to her. There's a ways yet to go-- when you've murdered hope as thoroughly as cold-heartedly as I had, it's a lot of ground to make up-- but the time apart let the anger subside and the fondness rekindle.

I'm not trying to hold out false hope to you: I don't know either of you two. But it's clear to me that you have a good heart and a big heart. Big repair jobs take time. Give it time, and kindness. Maybe in time the kindness can heal you.

Stay out of the bottle, though. Very important.

Be at peace. Strive to be happy. PM me if you think I can do anything at all for you.

"When Life Hands You Lemons, You Paint That **** Gold." ~Atmosphere

09-01-2009, 10:57 PM
wow, Doug.. I'm sorry for all of you, especially the kids. Peace, friend.

Robbie 2
09-02-2009, 02:45 AM
Sorry to hear the sad news Doug..keep your chin up and talk to your family here on the WBF...there are heaps of friends here who will willingly give you all the support needed.